Sunday, May 06, 2007

Right now...what?

Some of my friends have asked me to post a blog on the Spurs' performance in the NBA finals, but there's something I'd much rather talk about: the Pussycat Dolls' promos for the NBA. They're so lame. With that endorsement, you can view an amalgamation of them below:

First of all, I think I said this on my old blog, but I really don't care for the Pussycat Dolls. Their music's pretty contrived, and they're really not that hot. I mean, yes, they're hot, but in that "I'd pork you and never call you again" sort of way, which, really, isn't a very good way to be hot. Even back in high school, trapped in my greatest moments of physical insecurities, I never aspired for that level of attractiveness. Maybe you'd keep a Pussycat Doll around for a couple extra days just to show your friends how hot the girl you banged is; but they're certainly not hot enough for me to repeatedly tune in and endure their crappy music, all for the sake of a glimpse of the Pussy goodness.

But what irks me even more is that this song makes no sense. Have you ever seen Dana Carvey's HBO comedy special from the late 90s where he talks about how most rock songs sound like the singers are making them up as they go along?* "She's cold as ice...paradise...and the feeling...was nice." That's what this song sounds like. When recording companies tout their popstars as singer-songwriters, this must be what they're talking about: "Shoddy lyrics by..."

* "You like that Press Junket? That's improv, bitch, you can use that."

I've tried to give a sample below:

Right now
Let's give these men a "hey!"
Right now
Let's show them what we play.
Right now
You know it's time to make a stand.

Okay, I mean, really, that makes no sense. "Let's give them a 'hey!'" I guess I can swallow, even though it's clearly just a blatant set-up for the "ay" rhyming scheme. I'm thinking I've got some "say"s, "day"s, "way"s, or possibly "bay"s in my future. I'm wrong. How does "stand" rhyme with "hey" and "play?" At first I thought the lyrics might be "Give these men a hand, show them what we plan," but that makes even less sense. And how are they making a stand? How are they showing them what they play when they're shooting a volleyball? They couldn't get their hands on a WNBA ball anywhere? Really?

Right now
Don't you leave me at the post.
Right now
You can feel it coast-to-coast
Right now
Where they love this game the most.

The non-sensical lyrics continue. Don't leave you at the post? Do you mean like having you post up needlessly? Apparently this is a relic from the original version, which doesn't do it any service. If someone came up to be and beseeched me not to abandon them "at the post," I'd have no clue what they were talking about. Is the post a reference to a crossroads? If so, it's a pretty sad metaphor. :( It's also remained unclear to me where exactly they love this game the most, since "coast-to-coast" usually is a reference to the entire nation. Sort of like "sea to shining sea."

Right now
Take a look at you-know-who
Right now
Taking off into the blue.
Right now
Show the world what you can do

This verse does a little better. Despite the lead singer's assertion, I don't know who I'm supposed to take a look at (her? D-wade? (not anymore)), but I'm okay living with my uncertainty as he/she/it takes off into the blue, perhaps due to his/her/its superior levitating abilities. What, levitation? Must be a reference to LeBron.


Right now
It's time to set the pace.
Right now
Gonna square off face-to-face.
Right now
[Can't understand what she's saying...something about "this place?"]

The song ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper. You don't really square off face-to-face in basketball. It's really more of a team sport. I guess if it's a jump ball, or possibily if you're defending man-to-man, then you're facing off, but in that scenario you're going, as the terminology implies, MAN-TO-MAN and not face-to-face. But I guess that would have required a new rhyme scheme. Would it really have been that hard? Plan. Can. Pan. Bam. Sham. Stan. Tan. I guess they already used "stand" in verse 1 and there's no going back now.

In conclusion, I have to listen to some variant of this stupid song pretty much every time they go to commercial. The only consolation is I'm not alone in finding the promo unbearable.


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