Thursday, September 20, 2007

You mean you can use a tire iron for something OTHER than breaking someone’s knees?

Yesterday I drove past a woman who was having car trouble. I feel bad sometimes that I never pull over to help people with car trouble. But here’s my rationale. It’s not that I’m a bad person. Far from it. It’s just that I wouldn’t be very helpful to someone with car trouble. That’s not to say I’d be unhelpful. I’m just not particularly knowledgeable about cars. I possess an average level of car knowledgeability. And I really think they owe it to themselves to hold out for someone who possesses an above-average level. You can do better, girl. It’s not you, it’s me.

Like changing a tire. I know how to change a tire. I did it once sophomore year. But that was six years ago. It’s not like riding a bike or learning how to swim, it doesn’t stay with you. If I had to change someone’s tire, I could do it. But not efficiently. I’d need to bust out the manual. What that person really needs is a professional tire-changer. A tow-truck dude, or whatever. That’s not me. Ask me about an episode of West Wing. I can help you there. But not about car trouble.

It’s like when I shop at CompUSA. Lovely store, but the kids they got working there aren’t helpful for shit. “Excuse me, does this mp3 player do this? Does it do that?” “Hmm, I don’t know, let me check the box.” No, yeah, I can read the box. I assumed that because you worked here you possessed some sort of specialized knowledge. And it’s cool that you don’t. It’s cool. I’m not upset. Lord knows I’ve worked jobs – particularly in high school – in which I was no more qualified than the average consumer. But let’s drop the façade that you’re going to be of some aid in my decision-making process. You got the box for me from behind the counter, for which I thank you kindly. Now why don’t you get back to hitting on the girl who works the cash register…or should I say, why don’t you get back to TRYING to hit on the girl who’s TRYING to work the cash register?

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