Saturday, November 10, 2007

You can get this lap dance here for free

Last night Mike and I were discussing strip clubs. Basically, he was surprised I've never been to one. I just don't particularly care for them...although one night when I was drunk and stumbling through the streets of Minneapolis I think I came upon one called Dreamgirls (when the truth is There Can Be Only One). The opportunity has sprung up a couple times in my life: when I turned 18 my friends used to joke (suggest?) we should hit up the Vu (more appropriately known as Deja Vu, but who's got the time to pronounce all three syllables?); and a strip club was part of Initiation for my college track team, which I ended up ditching so I could finish a paper on Thomas Aquinas. But I've never been particularly enthralled with the notion of the strip club. Here are a couple of reasons why:

1. I really enjoy looking at naked women. I do. But as I explained to Mike last night, to me it's a personal experience that becomes a little awkward once you start adding other dudes to the equation. I was actually disappointed I had to explain this to Mike, since as a fan of The West Wing he should have been familiar with this scene:

DONNA: Are there going to be strippers?
JOSH: Nah.
DONNA: Really?
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Tell me the truth.
JOSH: There aren’t going to be strippers there. Men don’t like that anymore.
DONNA: Men don’t like naked women anymore?
JOSH: No, we still like naked women a lot. It’s looking at them in a room full of your best friends that makes you feel a little...
DONNA: Sleazy?
JOSH: Uncomfortable.

2. I really enjoy looking at naked women. I do. But I have a hard time considering it an end in itself. To me the whole naked woman thing is really only a step in a hopefully longer and much more enjoyable journey. It's not the endgame. Even if pay extra to have her take me back to the VIP room and grind her thong-clad ass into my crotch, I still feel like we've got a couple of miles to go before we reach our final destination. We're definitely getting there, but I'm concerned about an imminent breakdown on Freeway 9. Basically, if I'm going to pay $$$ to be with a woman, I'm looking for a prostitute.

3. The first two reasons were bullshit. Here's the real reason:

1. Strip clubs that are affordable have crappy girls.
2. Strip clubs that have girls worth paying money for are too expensive.

There it is. That's the truth. If I'm gonna pay money to see naked women, I want to see something worth my time. I want to see a plastic, big-boobed, slim-waisted, perfect-assed version of what femininity is supposed to be. But to get into that quality of strip club, I have to start making friends with Benjamin Franklin. And I'd rather just spend that money on rufies.


Anonymous Mike said...

As I recall, Josh said that to Donna BEFORE he went out. He also said he could handle his liquor. Both lies.

How would you know about the quality of girls at strip clubs? YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO ONE. Before you knock it, try it first, and you will see that it's a blessing and not a curse.

7:34 PM  
Anonymous lawrevue said...

I've never been to Iraq, either, but I've heard enough from the people who have been to form a decent opinion on it. Again, the West Wing becomes pertinent:

AMY: You don't like the ballet.
AMY: And you've reached that conclusion without ever having been to one.
JOSH: Well, I've never been to Bosnia either, Amy, and I don't think I'm going to go.

7:50 PM  

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