Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Fashion bashin'




I'd like to talk about fashion for a second. Women's fashion. I'll admit, I'm really not one to be giving fashion advice.* I basically wear the same thing every day. A button-down and jeans. If it's warm I put on shorts, and if it's cold I put on a sweatshirt (sometimes if it's warm I'll put on shorts and then when it gets cold put on a sweatshirt). It's nothing special, but it's the way I like it. Keep it simple. I used to try to argue that I didn't take any real interest in fashion because I don't have a particularly good body, and there's no point building a nice house on a shitty lot. But the truth is I just don't care. Having absorbed the wisdom of some of those make-over shows and having a gay best friend have helped put fashion on my radar. But there are other things I'd ultimately rather focus my energy on. Like reading, or playing violent video games.

* JOSH: I'm not one to give fashion advice...
DONNA: No, you're not.
JOSH: ...but one of them is wearing a Star Trek pin. Is today a special Star Trek holiday or something?
DONNA: How the hell would I know?
JOSH: Okay, well, then would you find out? And is it's not...you know people walk through here and it's not the most confidence-inspiring sight to see in a White House employee.

But this segues into my point. People talk about how celebrities seem to expend so much time and resources to ultimately look like crap. I think the same could be said of a lot of everyday women. It amazes me how girls can spend so much time and focus on their clothes and yet still make such consistently poor decisions. I'm particularly focused here on any article of clothing that involves needless frills or floral patterns that look like something my grandmother would have worn in the 70s. Not sexy. What are you thinking, girl? They make you look like a butterfly, instead of a real, warm-blooded woman. Most important, they don't make me want to sleep with you. Surely that's not what you want.

I sort of feel like it's the fashion equivalent of garish: rather than being elegant or vogue, frills and floral patterns just feel loud and distracting. They're a load of needless bells-and-whistles. It's hard to go wrong with the female body. It's a pretty beautiful thing. So why would you want to distract from it? To quote Kevin Costner in Robin Hood, "Milady, a woman of your beauty has no need for such...decorations."

If I was a girl, I'd basically stock up on long-sleeve Ts. Sure, it may be boring. But it works. They're clean, they're classy, and they still showcase a woman's best parts without being slutty.

Just so we're clear...

Want to have sex with:


Don't want to have sex with:


Dress accordingly.

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