Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Notes from the Workplace, Part Whatever The Hell We're On Now

All right. That's it. I've had enough. So I'm just going to come out and say it: Women of the World, stop wearing boots and skirts to work. I can't focus with that shit around me all day. When I see a girl in boots and a skirt, all I can think about is banging her. It doesn't even particularly matter if she's attractive. If she's in boots and a skirt, I just need to throw her legs over my shoulders and plough her like Cadmus with the dragon's teeth. I'm like a dog with an old bone: I don't particularly want it, but I have to have it.

So, young professional woman, don't become reduced to a walking vindication of the otherwise antiquated notion that women shouldn't be allowed in the workplace because they'll just distract the menfolk. DO NOT WEAR BOOTS TO YOUR JOB. THEY ARE NOT APPROPRIATE FOR WORK.


Anonymous Mike said...

Along those same lines: Young women of the world, stop being librarian's assistants in the law library. Stop it. I've been in there for a few hours desperately trying to fend off ADD, having contact with only a casebook and a laptop, when suddenly from the stacks appears an actual flesh-and-blood young woman, who is not a law student thank god, quietly pushing a cart full of books. In the same way that boots and a skirt trigger certain instincts regardless of any special attractiveness, a young woman quietly restacking books, solitary, in an organizational zen state, brow furrowed to read call numbers, noiseless but intent--well, this also touches upon the right psychological triggers for me, apparently. Partly it's lack of context; there are no other women (or people at all) around. The same thing happens if you can get your girlfriend to go camping. When she's the only girl in the forest she becomes The Woman, the form of which all others are but shadows. I mean it's also hot when girls are willing to get dirty and not wear makeup, but i digress. When instead of walking along campus among 10,000 other young women, a librarian's assistant is alone in a church-like stillness of an empty library, she becomes magnified. And partly it's signaling: working in a library is a pretty reliable signal that the girl is someone i could have an interesting conversation with, that she's patient and fastidious and at least reasonably intelligent. That is, it's a screening process that hasn't taken place when i see a girl working as one of those backwards-walking campus guides or as a waitress. And partly it's a submission thing, surprise surprise. She works for the library, the library works for me (an all-important law student), ipso facto, her restacking books is a task she is performing to satisfy my desire that my library be tidy, and this pleases me.

So this alone is quite a distraction. Then add to this the fact that these young ladies are NOT average. I presume the concentration of high male earning potential has something to do with the quality of girls who seek out this job, but whatever the cause there are a lot of exceptionally attractive women in that library (one in particular looks just like the girl on Lost who got pregnant). So yeah, I guess I started writing saying i wanted it to stop but since i'm in my last semester and don't really need to study all that much i take it back. Heck, young librarian's assistant's, why not go a step further and wear boots and a skirt while you're at it, and top it off with glasses and a ponytail, and a big sign that says "Mike I desire to bear your children". Now THAT's some library assistance!

6:45 PM  

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