Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Stuff Black People Like #5: Streetball

If you read this blog, there’s also a good chance you read Stuff White People Like. When I first read this blog, I thought it was hilarious. Poignant. An insightful commentary into white society.

But after the first couple posts its allure has started to wear off on me. Some points:

1. The blog isn’t so much about stuff white people like as about what a certain demographic of white people like. This demographic seems largely to comprise of liberal, upper-middle-class college grads from the Northeast and Pacific Northwest. This by itself doesn’t bother me so much, since that’s probably the same demographic of white people that reads blogs…or probably the same kind of white person you interact with, if you’re a minority who reads blogs.

2. Many of the posts seem to spend a large amount of time criticizing white people for essentially trying to be smart and progressive. Oh, those crazy white people! What will they think of next? White people read the New York Times. White people want bilingual children. The list goes on, and I’d keep providing examples but I'm already getting tired of inserting hyperlinks. Just go to the website and read some yourself.

I’m still waiting for a “Stuff Black People Like.” But apparently people would rather bitch about the concept than actually implement it. It can’t be that difficult:

#5: Streetball

If you are ever lucky enough to play against a black person in a game of basketball, do not pass up this opportunity to ask him about his former days as a streetballer. Every black person at some (usually vague) point in his life will have participated in “streetball,” an experience which will have bestowed him with considerable perspective and wisdom for the game. Do not be surprised if he references this wisdom on many, sometimes odd occasions: he is merely trying to make you an additional beneficiary of his experience.

For example, if a former street baller makes a particularly good cut to the basket, he will declare, “That’s how they do it on the streets, baby!” At this point you should nod knowingly and defer to his superior basketball knowledge. Though you may be tempted, DO NOT, under any circumstances, ask when in his life he played basketball on the streets or how he otherwise came about this knowledge.

Streetball is significantly different from and more difficult than regular basketball in several fundamental respects:

1. Streetball is usually played without a net, or possibly a net constructed from chains. This makes the experience significantly more hard-core and is only for players of the most advanced level. In addition, many streetball courts have rims that are poorly attached and may rattle when a shot is made.

2. The rules of streetball are considerably more lax than a regular game played in a gym. In streetball, you are just as likely to be shivved or kicked in the nuts as fouled. You should therefore never call a foul on a former streetballer no matter how hard he fouls you, because your attempt to enforce the rules will only make you the object of his ridicule and disrespect.

3. While the rules of streetball are considerably more lax, there is one very important rule that can never be broken: streetball must be played without a shirt. There are several benefits to this:

A. This gives you the opportunity to bump your sweaty, muscular bodies against each other, which is one of the points of the game.

B. It is likely that there are many attractive women nearby who are watching you play. It is further likely that they will be so impressed by your obvious skill that they will wish to have sexual intercourse with you. If by chance they have never seen a man’s torso before, the removal of your shirt will provide them with an ample opportunity and further solidify their sexual desire.

There is a famous streetball legend of a player who one day tried to play the game with his shirt on. But he never came home and no one knows what became of him.


2 Comments:

Blogger M. Viggy said...

As a "White Guy" who has played in many a streetball game I think the most interesting aspect is the final point of every close game. The game never truly ends. instead a player with the ball always calls a non-existent or weak foul and an arguement breaks out between all the players on the court and any players waiting to play. After about fifteen minutes the team that committed the foul gets tired of arguing and the "next" team takes the court.

2:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is #1 going to be criminality?

8:28 PM  

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