Wednesday, April 30, 2008

You Get What You Pay For

Here's a new reason to hit on the Caribou girls: Today I discovered something was floating in my coffee. I discovered this the hard way: by drinking it. I guess I got what I paid for. Which was nothing. So in that sense, I guess I got MORE than what I paid for.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Lessons in Car-Talk #43

Today's Lesson: Getting passed on the right.

Getting passed on the right. Verb.

In Car-Talk, getting passed on the right translates as, "Move the fuck over, you fucking douche!"

This Lesson in Car-Talk has been brought to you by Cadillac: We're not just for old people and drug dealers anymore.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Change: The Great Leveler

I don't like change. No, not that kind of change. Not Barack Obama change. Change. Pennies, quarters, nickels, dimes. Change is like lawyers: it exists so other change can exist. Change exists so I can horde it for ten years until I finally muster the willpower to take it all down to the bank and get back the $5 that constitutes 20 pounds of zinc's aggregate worth. Most parking meters and vending machines don't even take anything less than a quarter anymore, probably because they're prejudiced and/or hate freedom. How can money be so worthless?

Here's a riddle: What is the most ubiquitous man-made object in America that does not
interact with any mechanism or machine? The penny? The penny!

But I have found a use for all my spare change. Apparently the floor in my new apartment is slightly unlevel, and one of my bookshelves was leaning too far forward. Slip a couple pennies underneath, and problem solved. Change is the great leveler. Not metaphorically. Literally. Abraham Lincoln held together the nation, and now his likeness holds up my bookshelf.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Incoming transmission...

Be advised: Likely no more new posts till I get Internet in my new place on Thurs.

More to follow.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Thanks For All The Fish

Yesterday I donated some money to a charitable cause. Here's a message they sent me:

"Thank you for your generous donation of $30.00 to [Cause/Organization]."

I'm glad they're appreciative, but I'm not sure I concur with their assessment of the quality of my donation. $30 = generous? I'm guessing this is a form letter. I'm curious what would have happened if I donated $1. Would the system have corrected itself? "Thanks for going through your sofa cushions to make this paltry contribution to alleviating a serious medical disease. People are dying, you fucking cheapskate."

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Exceeds Expectations

I have a problem. I'm doing well at work. Today I met with my manager and he told me, "You're having a really good month." That's a problem. They've realized I can exceed expectations. Once you start exceeding expectations, everyone EXPECTS you to exceed expectations. Your exceeding of the expectations thus grammatically becomes the new expectations, thereby making expectations that much more difficult to exceed. My life has peaked.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Beyond These Walls

Here's a video of a guy trapped in an elevator for 41 hours:



Or should I say: a guy "trapped" in an elevator for "41 hours." Believe it or not. Me? I don't believe it. I don't care how reputable your source is. I. Don't. Believe. It.

It sort of reminds me of The Blair Witch Project. The first time you watch it you are sort of aghast that something like this could happen. Then about a half-hour into the movie you think, "It seems odd their cameras never run out of tape or battery power."

Here are some similar problems I have with this video:

1. Forty-one hours without food. Really?
2. Forty-one hours without water. Really?
3. Forty-one hours without taking a piss. Really?
4. Why is his shirt tucked in the whole time?

Oh yeah, and supposedly when he sued the building's management they settled for less than $100,000. Only a Hamline lawyer could be that bad. No, I don't believe it.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Grocery List

Items purchased this morning from Whole Foods:

1. 2 sticks, deodorant

It's a glandular problem. I swear.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

This weekend I'm moving most of my Big Items into my new apartment. I've come to realize during this process that I'm at a point in my life where I'm wealthy enough to buy lots of extraneous shit but not quite so wealthy to pay other people to move it all for me. It's a hard-knock life.

Here are some of the things I'm going to miss about my old apartment/neighborhood.

Cockroaches.
Keeping the temperature below 82 degrees.
My neighbors' subwoofer.
The garage door that never opens.
The motorcycle shop across the street.
The country music bar across the street.
Poorly synchronized traffic lights.
People who emigrated from countries that don't have cars (in America, green means go!).
Homeless people asking for money.
Worrying about crime.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

My Ex-Girlfriend Is More Famous Than Yours

She knows more about sports, too.