Thursday, May 01, 2008

Stuff Black People Like #17: Expensive Cars

If you have ever visited one of the "inner-city" neighborhoods that are the common adobes of many black people, you may have discovered an interesting phenomenon. While many of the buildings will have boards instead of windows, you will nevertheless see a surprising number of expensive cars, particularly Sports Utility Vehicles.

Perhaps at first you will find it confusing that in a community so seemingly dilapidated and poverty-stricken, residents are nevertheless able to afford such high-priced vehicles. You will possibly wonder why an individual would not attempt to distribute his income spending more evenly between housing and transportation, rather than consolidating such a large percentage of it in one category to the detriment of the others. Your confusion, however, should soon abate once you are armed with the knowledge that black people simply love expensive cars. They love them. So much so that, apparently, they would rather live in a hovel if the trade-off is an Escalade.

It should be noted that a similar phenomenon can be seen among middle-management white people. These individuals will frequently congregate in what are called "subdivisions." Subdivisions are self-contained communities located on the outskirts of major population centers, most easily recognized by their bland, repetitive design and mediocre-quality construction. Subdivisions will often have sweeping nature-themed names like Mystic Waterfall, despite neither being near a waterfall nor being particularly mystic. Most importantly, however, because subdivisions are self-contained communities located on the outskirts of major population centers most easily recognized by their bland, repetitive design and mediocre-quality construction, they are correspondingly cheap, thereby enabling their white residents to drive a Mercedes M-Class.

Why do black love expensive cars so much? It's basic logic. It's a well-known fact that a woman will have sex with you if you own something expensive. This is true for everything from proverbial "bling" to your summer-home in Fiji. However, in order to impress a woman with your expensive summer-home or apartment, you must first bring her to it. This is a tedious process that can involve extensive groundwork, including several beverage purchases and hours of uninspiring conversation. Black people, however, have discovered that the process can be greatly expedited through high-priced cars, which allow the user to quickly bring the expensive item to the potential mate, rather than having to bring her to it.

This method is best enhanced by rolling down the windows of your expensive automobile and setting your subwoofer several decibels higher than is normally considered necessary. This increases the probability women will get an opportunity to notice, and therefore be turned on by, you. This method has also been adopted by white people, to great success.


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