Sunday, June 29, 2008

I'll Space Your Chimp

Just came back from the movies. Here are some fun things I learned:

1. Fox is releasing a movie called Space Chimps. Sounds like a joke from The Simpsons. Be sure to look for the sequel: Space Chimps 2: Space Pimps.

2. In addition to doing television and talk radio, Glenn Beck apparently also does a comedy show. Isn't his television show already a comedy? Lord knows I laugh at with it.

3. Hulk is in fact mad, and Hulk truly does smash.

It's a beautiful day out, and I'm off to snap some photos. I don't often wish I was seriously dating someone, but these are the kind of days that try men's libidos souls. It'd be nice to share this day with somebody who meant something to me. It'd be nice to come home and say, "Hey, Pixley [my imaginary girlfriend is named Pixley; all cute girl names should end in y]: It's a beautiful day outside. Let's get your ass out of bed to experience it." I'd say it just like that, too. Why? Because I'm a romantic, see?

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Unite For Change We Can Believe In

I just found out that one of the Obama Unite For Change House Parties is going to be held on my block tomorrow. I love Barack Obama. I don't really subscribe to his whole message of Change, but I still love him. I like the notion of change. I just don't think he can pull it off. Max Weber said that politics is the "slow boring of hard boards and that anyone who seeks to do it must risk his own soul." Change comes in excruciating increments for those who strive for it. It's bigger than any one man. Barack Obama may be one excruciating increment of change for man, yet still one giant leap of change for mankind.

One of the girls who sat at my table at the wedding is actually working in Media Relations for the Obama campaign's Chicago office. For one singular (and probably definitely drunken) moment I thought it might be fate, that my chance to give myself to something greater had at last come before me. When my parents were in town they chastised me for not contributing more to the Obama campaign. My mother was talking about how she was thinking about volunteering for Obama. She's become a real Obama-phile - she's got me reading Dreams From My Father right now; she was a little late to the party, but now that she's here she's really given herself up to it. And she's been thinking about volunteering. But she was saying how if she volunteered, she would want to have a position of substance in the campaign. She's educated, she's got managerial experience. She doesn't want to just go door-to-door. She wants to be PART of it all.

So my parents were on my case to volunteer as well. But I said the same thing. I'm educated. I'm smart. I'm a fucking lawyer. And I can compose a mean sentence when I've a mind (though this blog is rarely an indicator of that). If I was going to be part of the Obama campaign, it would have to be something substantive. For the first time in my life Obama has made me willing to dedicate my energy and myself to the service of the country that hath giveth (when it isn't taking away); even the fantasy of the opportunity fills me with optimism and excitement.

So at the wedding I was sitting at a table with someone who actually WAS contributing something substantive. And I thought, "Here is my chance. God has laid my fate before me. Rise up, young man, and take it." But then the blond girl to my right asked me if I had just said she was cute. Which would you choose?

Friday, June 27, 2008

We Have Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself, And Spiders, And Werewolves...

At the wedding I found out one of my friends went skydiving recently. Skydiving? As they say in fencing, what's the point? I'm already on the ground. Why would I take an airplane just to get back to it? I'll save myself the trip.

My friend said it was about "conquering his fear." Hmm. What exactly are you so afraid of that you feel the need to go to ridiculous lengths to conquer it? Regardless, I think people who talk about "conquering their fear" have a poor understanding of fear. Fear is like pain: it may be no fun when you have it, but it's your body's way of telling you: "Watch out -- bad shit ahead!"

You want to conquer your fear, I suggest you try it without a safety net.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

And Again

Say it with me: He's. Just. Not. That. Into. Me.

Doesn't that feel better?

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Wedding

This weekend I went to a wedding in Princeton. It's a cute little college town. The wedding was actually at Princeton's seminary. Here's an interesting quandary: can you ask for directions at the Center for Theological Inquiry? Maybe spiritual directions.

Something funny happened once I got to the wedding. My college roommate and I pulled up outside the chapel, and just as we got there a huge limb fell off a tree and crashed to the ground. Of its own accord. For no reason. It was clearly an Omen, but what it signified is TBD.

I know what you really want to hear about, though. You want to hear about the girls. I'll be honest, I went to this thing completely expecting to be unimpressed. I learned that maybe I'm too judgmental. As luck would have it, I was actually placed next to what was in my opinion the cutest girl (after the bride, naturally) there.

One couldn't ask for a more blatant opening, either. At the table were two married couples, an engaged couple, me, my college roommate, and two girls. We were all divided up and coupled off like Noah's Ark. At first I thought I was going to be annoyed - sort of like showing up at your friend's house for a party only to discover it's three couples, one single girl, and you (Hmm...who's team will YOU be on for charades?) - and maybe it was just the 12-hour buzz of free booze I'd been rockin' up to this point. But I actually had a pretty good time. Three minutes in I'd already received a hand on the forearm, so I knew I was pretty set.

Mimosas match my outfit!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

That Bird Can Hit A Mean Birdie

The U.S. Women's Open is in Minnesota this week. Women's golf. That's like tax law: taking something lame and making it ever lamer.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I am in a Team

Why do people say there's no "I" in team? There's no "we" in team, either. Or "us," or "our." There is, however, a delicious "me," lurking beneath the surface. Can you see it? Move closer.

Here are some words that ARE in team:

Word Fun: How many "teams" are in this sentence?

I tamely ate some meat on a mat with the mates that met me at the eatery.

Clue: the "I" isn't one of them.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Socks and Common Sense Optional

I feel oddly pissed I'm not allowed to wear shorts or sandals at work. I knew that was going to be the deal going in, but... Get with it, guys! It's the 90s! And it's in the 90s!

It has always struck me as a fundamentally preposterous notion that in the middle of the global warming crisis, and now a gas crisis, American companies still expect their male workers to get dolled up for work. I could understand if I spent my day talking to clients. We have in the department what I like to refer to as "Dress-Up Day," which is the day we're all expected to get Dressed and Pressed when clients are coming to the office.

But most of my day is spent doing research at my desk and talking on the phone. Do I really need to wear slacks and a button-down for that? Have we not yet as a society mustered the common sense to abandon such superficial notions of professionalism? You can't judge what you can't see.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend where I'm expected to wear a blazer. Granted, it's a New England wedding. That means socks will be optional. Ralph Lauren ad, I who am about to sweat salute you!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Viral Marketing

Abercrombie: Come For The Clothes, Stay For The Salesgirls?


Abercrombie: Come For The Salesgirls, Stay For The Clothes?

You decide!

Seriously, though, they're pretty cute.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Still Not That Into You

Continuing our conversation from a couple weeks ago...Last night after watching the Celtics fuck up I caught a little of Justin Timberlake on Leno. At one point Leno let the audience "submit" relationship questions to the lovable JT. Here's one:

Dear Justin. I've been dating my boyfriend for two years. Is there anything I can do to get him to propose? Jessica.

Dear Jessica. Thanks for your inquiry. I think you asked the wrong question. I think you meant to ask, even if there was, why would you want to?

This reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw in the parking lot yesterday, which sort of encapsulized one of the many logical fallacies of the Pro-Life Movement. It went a little something like this: If You Can't Trust Me With A Choice, How Can You Trust Me With A Child?

Answer: I can't. I've always thought it was curious social policy that pro-lifers think we should stick children with parents who would otherwise elect to murder them.

Back to our issue: Why would you want to marry someone whom you had to manipulate to marry? Maybe he's afraid of commitment. Or feels like he's too young to get married. Or maybe, he's just not that into you. If he hasn't asked you to be with him for the rest of his life, it's probably because he doesn't want you to be with him for the rest of his life. It's not that complicated.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I Think I'm Jealous Of Your Girlfriend

My parents were in town over the weekend. On Saturday my father and I probably the closest thing to "The Talk" we've ever had. It went something like this:

1. I'm single.
2. I have female friends.
3. I should probably be banging some of them.

Perhaps unfairly, this annoyed me. Superficial dating columns notwithstanding, sexual attraction and personal compatibility do not a couple make. More importantly, I felt it was something of an archaic examination of the male-female relationship. Consider:

1. I'm single.
2. I have male friends.
3. Should I be banging some of them, too? (Who said I'm not?)

My female friends are important to me. I can be more open with them, and, because I don't rely on them for sex, I don't have to be as tolerant of their feminist bullshit.

My dad's concern is that I'm nearing the point where "most of the good ones will be taken." Hey, I'm looking around, and it looks like a lot of the mediocre ones have already been taken, too. But of all the things I'll ever do, this is the one I want to get right. I'd rather make no decision than the wrong one.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Cancel or Allow? Definitely Cancel.

Does anyone else think these ads are getting a little overplayed? (Editor's note: I could have found a more recent one, but that would have required work).

A friend of mine - and by friend of mine, I mean a comment I read on YouTube - pointed out that Vista is the most Mac-like OS known to Microsoft. At the same time, Mac ads won't shut up about how you can run Windows on them.

Let's summarize Mac's argument:

1. Don't buy a PC; it's too much like a Mac.
2. Buy a Mac; it's just like a PC.


Sunday, June 08, 2008

If Sex is a Weapon...

Here's an interesting article I read this morning:

Analysis: Clinton loosens up — finally

WASHINGTON - This one's for the girls.

That was Hillary Rodham Clinton's message Saturday as she ended her presidential bid — a final, full-throated acknowledgment of what her pioneering quest had meant to women.

It was a moving, genuine and unexpected moment for Clinton, who spent most of her campaign playing down her gender as a way to reassure voters who might have trouble imagining a female commander in chief...

You can stop right there. A different side? Playing down her gender? If you don't think Hillary Clinton was exploiting her gender as a political tool every chance she got...Congratulations, you officially weren't paying attention. See below:

For months, Hillary has been trying to emasculate Obama with the sort of words and themes she has chosen, stirring up feminist anger by promoting the idea that the men were unfairly taking it away from the women, and covering up her own campaign mistakes with cries of sexism.

--Maureen Dowd, "Feminist"

Friday, June 06, 2008

Love is a Hasty Word

Welcome to an installment of Nerd Talk! Hope you en-joy!

Here's one of my favorite quotes The Two Towers:

'Let us leave this--did you say what you call it?'

'Hill?' suggested Pippin. 'Shelf? Step?' suggested Merry.

Treebeard repeated the words thoughtfully. 'Hill. Yes, that was it. But it is a hasty word for a thing that has stood here ever since this part of the world was shaped. Never mind. Let us leave it, and go.'

I think something similar could be said about Love. Four letters? That's all we can muster? All we can muster for a thing that transcends and defies reason or convention, or contention; that both burrows deep and loftily soars; that weakens the strongest's will or may make the meek go brave; like an oasis and final drink for a man who has wandered in the desert, reunited at last with the thing he's been long denied. Love? It is a hasty word.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

I Thought There Were 12 Guys on a Team

Meet the new NBA Finals Slogan: There Can Be Only Only Be One.

Fun fact: It's not copyright infringement if you move two words.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

I Could Have Lived Your Life Instead

Hell[o] [t]here.

Here are some interesting things that have happened in my life the past few days. What's new with you?

1. The earlier I get to work, the more crowded the parking lot is. WTF?

2. Today when I took a lunch break there was a guy asleep in a booth in the cafeteria. I want that guy's job.

3. The other day when I was driving home there was a homeless guy standing on the street corner.* Do they even allow homeless people in Ramsey Hill? I thought I was paying enough money that I didn't have to deal with them anymore. To quote The Honorable Judge Whitey: The only poor people I want to hear about are the ones who clean my pores at the spa.

The car in front of me pulled over to ask the dude for directions. Then he didn't even give him any money! That's just not right.

* I saw him shakin' his change in a coffee cup,
Asked for a dollar but I told him the man to give it up.
Said he's hungry; I don't think it's true.
Bet my dollar he'll go spend it on booze [boobs?].

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

The End of Patriotism as a Bludgeon

Just came from the Obama rally in St Paul. Here are some interesting things I learned about him that I didn't know before:

1. Barack Obama wants you to go hungry (no food allowed).
2. Barack Obama wants you to go thirsty (no drinks allowed).
3. Barack Obama wants you to get rained on (no umbrellas allowed).
4. Barack Obama hates punctuality.
5. Judging by how the floor seating was arranged, Barack Obama hates feng shui, and probably Asians, too.

If this is how he is gonna run his White House, I'm voting for the cranky white guy with the bad ideas.

But seriously; in some ways I was in utter awe of the event; in other ways I was a little disappointed (See related problems in: Exceeds Expectations). "The time has come for change. We owe it to our children. We owe it to our country." Surely "we owe it to ourselves," too? What! No rhythm? No cadence? Shame on you, Jon Favreau.

The woman who introduced him was maybe the biggest disappointment. She gave such an ordinary speech, in what could have been such an extraordinary moment. George Bush is a douche. John McCain is a douche. I get it. Where were the politics of unity? Where was the line that nothing could divide a country so long as it believes in itself? You don't get a second chance to introduce Barack Obama.

Monday, June 02, 2008

The Enforcer

Today I was asked to find a case that stood for the proposition that one could enforce a judgment that had been reversed for being void on its face. Really? Enforce the fucker? This is not one of the more complicated legal issues. This is not remainders and fee simple determinable. The terminology here should be pretty apparent. It's VOID.

Needles to say, I couldn't find one. But I did find several stating the exact opposite! Does that help?