Thursday, July 31, 2008

Ahead of my Time

Please make a note: I was once again ahead of my time.

I believe "Suck it" is the expression?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Dork Knight: A Revue

Over the weekend I saw The Dark Knight. I was pretty disappointed. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it. I'm just saying I was pretty disappointed. In the end I blame myself, for getting sucked into the hype and the power of Ledger's performance in the previews.

Because, really, The Dark Knight was exactly what I should have expected the sequel to Batman Begins to be. Which was also not a very good movie. I'm not saying it was bad. It was certainly better than the three that came before. But that doesn't change the fact that it was still not a very good movie. I feel a little bad for all the people who think it was so great. What terrible thing happened in your past, I wonder, to give you such low expectations of what a movie can be?

Anyway, here are some of the things I disliked about the movie, in no particular order. I've included some delicious spoilers, so if you haven't seen the movie yet I suggest you go see it first so that when you reread this post you'll be in a more informed position from which to agree with me.

He wasn't the hero we deserved; just the hero we needed. Christopher Nolan generally makes some pretty good movies. So why is he so bad at writing dialogue? It's not his fault. But my advice: if you can't write dialogue, don't write a fucking screenplay. That's like someone who's color-blind trying to make it as a Christmas decorator. Rather than hiring your brother to write the thing, next time out-source it to someone with some talent. They do exist.

And now...
Aaron Sorkin presents:
BATMAN!
(Not actually presented by Aaron Sorkin)

Gordon: They call him the Joker.
Batman: The Joker?
Gordon: The Joker.
Batman: Why do they call him the Joker?
Gordon: Presumably because he makes jokes.
Batman: Look--
Gordon: They call him the Joker, Batman, what do you want from me? He makes jokes. He's a joker.
Batman: The Joker.
Gordon: Yeah.
Batman: I thought one of the criteria of jokes was that they were supposed to be funny.
Gordon: That's what they tell me.
Batman: This guy's jokes aren't funny.
Gordon: So?
Batman: If his jokes aren't funny, by definition they're not jokes. That means he's not a joker.
Gordon: Who says they're not funny?
Batman: "Wanna see a magic trick?" What is this, amateur night at the Apollo?
Gordon: I thought it was funny.
Batman: You didn't see me laughing.
Gordon: You don't have a sense of humor.
Batman: Excuse me--
Gordon: You don't have a sense of humor, Batman. Of course you didn't laugh. Groucho Marx couldn't make you laugh. He couldn't make you chuckle.
Batman: Groucho Marx wasn't funny.
Gordon: He wasn't funny, but that's not the point.
Batman: Look--
Gordon: And thanks, by the way, for proving mine.
Batman: Gordon...
Gordon: The Joker, Batman. They call him the Joker.
Batman: Because he makes...
Gordon: Because he makes jokes, yes. The Joker. This one really should be pretty intuitive.

Would the real Bruce Wayne please stand up? They say Christian Bale, when he isn't beating his relatives, plays two characters. But he really plays three: Batman; Bruce Wayne; and the place where the two characters intersect, the heart of the actual character. I've realized I don't like the way he plays Bruce Wayne. Nolan presents him like the third Bush daughter: spoiled and stupid. Pick up a comic: the real Bruce Wayne wasn't that obnoxious.

Batman is Emo. I salute inserting some complexity and social relevancy into a superhero movie. Terrorism, love denied; tell me what you think about these things, Christopher. That being said, The Dark Knight comes off like a brooding teenager, trying to come to terms with something serious but doing it in such an unsophisticated fashion that you're never really sure what it is exactly the movie's so upset about. All I know is: it's dark. It wears black. It wants to cut itself. Why? I just wouldn't understand!

Batman is inept. There's a certain point in the movie where you realize Batman is basically incompetent. The only reason he keeps winning is because the Joker actively won't let him lose. I don't like my heroes that incompetent. I particularly don't like it when the villain escapes from prison two minutes after being captured.

The end is only the beginning. Jack Nicholson said about Return of the King that he left when there was still about twenty minutes left, because the movie was already over. They destroy the Ring. The end. Wait. Aragorn is crowned king. The end. Wait! The hobbits return to the Shire. The end. WAIT! Frodo sails off from the Grey Havens. The end! Wait...

The Dark Knight was the same thing. There were about six points in this movie where I thought to myself, "This is the climax." Batman battles Joker from the Batbike. The end. Wait. The Joker is going to blow up Harvey Dent. The end. Wait! The Joker is going to blow up a hospital. The end. Wait! The Joker is going to blow up a boat. The end! Wait! Two-face is going to kill Gordon's family. Please be the fucking end!

The Death of Jim Gordon.
Speaking of Return of the King...Remember that time in The Two Towers were Aragorn tumbles off a cliff into the river below and everyone thinks he's dead? Pretty stupid, right, because there couldn't be a sequel called The Return of the King if the king was already fucking dead? I'm pretty sure Jim Gordon can't die until he's become Commissioner, so don't waste my fucking time trying to convince me otherwise. Who would have thought that masked character who doesn't say a word would be the actual Gordon in disguise? Extreme plot twist!

Here are some other, nitpicky things:

Two-Face: What a waste of a beloved villain.

How many Sophie's Choices can one movie have in it?

The Joker kills his henchmen. He burns the money he makes from his crimes. So why exactly do people keep working for him? That's what's called a "plot inconsistency."

I salute the authors for knowing enough about the law to know how jurisdiction works. But here's a little tidbit you may not know: kidnapping someone only solves the literal, not legal, jurisdictional problem. Did you know: some would consider kidnapping a foreign national from his own soil an act of war!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Fun With Action Figures

Hey, kids, let's go watch the movie where clown with the M16 open fire on a school bus.


Monday, July 21, 2008

I'm Feeling A Little Duress Myself

Today I worked with an attorney who didn't know economic duress was a contracts defense. So it's a good thing she's getting paid three times as much as me.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Please Note: I Also Am Not That Into You

Did You Know: I can't read your blog if you privacy-protect it? It's true!

I used to feel bad for people who would say they didn't believe in marriage. In college aforementioned gay friend told me he didn't care about the gay marriage debate because he didn't plan on getting married, which sort of missed the point of it all, but whatever. It also raises an interesting quandry. Some ask, If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound? Likewise, if there's a social injustice being perpetrated and victim doesn't give a shit, is it really a social injustice?

Anyway, I don't think I said anything at the time, but I definitely remember thinking how sad that was for him. Because, really, if you aren't drawn to the whole "marriage" thing, it probably means you've never (at least at some point) really been in love. It's hard for me to conceptualize True Love without that fundamental yearning. He'd never thought to himself, "This one person, for the rest of my life? Yes fucking PLEASE!" For my gay friend, never having had that (and considering all the people he's slept with, too!)...well, that's the real injustice.

But recently I've started to wonder whether I believe in marriage anymore. Other than D.G., there's nobody in this life I've even come close to wanting to spend five consecutive years with, let alone the vast yet slowly dwindling remainder of my natural life. Forever, after all, can be an awfully long time.

I know the difference between wanting to marry someone and not wanting to marry someone. So this, once again, is the part of the conversation where I say: Sometimes, I'm just not that into you. Doesn't mean I don't care about you, doesn't mean we didn't have some good times. It certainly doesn't mean there's somehow something "wrong" with you. Many months ago I said that Love was like Truth: hard and eternal, an undeniable fact. So, too, with this. If I'm not that into you, it's neither good, nor bad: it's just hard, undeniable Fact.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Good Catholic Boy

Here's a funny comment I read this morning on YouTube:

first i never said it wasnt funny
and second im catholic u idiot
so really ur the one that sucks ur moms dick

What would Jesus say? Probably not that.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I.P. Alott

Today someone called me asking to speak to "Harry Weiner." They didn't even do it right, which is sort of sad for them. They just came out and asked, "Can I speak to Harry Weiner?" Here's how the conversation should have gone down, if they'd had their shit together:

Me: This is [Law Revue].
Them: Can I speak to Harry, please?
Me: I'm sorry, Harry?
Them: Mr. Weiner.

Are you asking if I work with a "Harry Weiner?" Hold on a sec. Does anybody know how I can get hold of a "Harry Weiner?" Hey, Doug, what do you know about a "Harry Weiner?"

I'm sorry, I think he's got a meeting with a "Hugh Jazz."

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

My City Is Better Than Yours

Here's an interesting article: it says Minneapolis is one of the top five cities in which to accrue wealth. At the rock bottom of the list? New York, New York. It sounded so nice expensive they named it twice.

I sent the article to one of my college friends who currently lives there. I've been waging a half-hearted battle since college to get him to move out here, or at least leave that ridiculous city behind him. He's actually flying out here for my birthday, but while he's here he wants me to take him to a gay club and introduce him to the Minneapolis gay scene. Normally I don't like gay clubs. The couple times I've been in gay clubs I've found the queers to be a little condescending. They somehow think they're inherently more fabulous than us normals, just by being more flamboyant. I don't think so. That's like a guy in a yellow Hummer pulling up beside me and saying, "Dude, my car is so much better than your Audi." If by "better" you mean "more ostentatious and less classy," then yes, on that point I concede the high ground.

HOWEVER, if taking him to a gay club will convince my friend to move here, or at least that there's some semblance of gay life out here on Mars, then I'm willing to suck it up (wait, what?). The problem I have now is, I don't know where any of the gay clubs are. I think I stumbled past one once when I was drunk and disorderly downtown. I actually ran into one of my gay classmates from law school yesterday, but someone I had trouble working into the conversation, "Hey! You're gay! What would be a good club to take my out-of-town friend to?"

Does anyone know a "hot" (I believe that's the appropriate adjective) gay bar in Minneapolis? It's not for me; it's for this guy I know...


Friday, July 11, 2008

I Need A Change

THIS guy is so fucking money and he doesn't even know it:



I'm starting to get bored at work. I know I've only been doing this for less than a year, but I'm already starting to get bored at work. Is that supposed to happen? When I first started I was anxious, yes, about being a noob, but also felt some exhilaration at the intellectual challenges ahead. Can I do this? Now that thrill is gone, taken from me by the cruel hand of my own experience. I can tell you within five minutes with 90% certainty whether the case law I'm looking for is out there or not. Chances are it'll take me fifteen minutes to find exactly what we're looking for, or two hours to come up with zilch. There's no longer the challenge of the unknown, the thrill of not knowing. Next, please. I need a change.

One of the guys I'm buddies with at work just had his seven-year anniversary in the department. Seven years. Seven years of doing the same thing. I don't think I could do this for seven years. I'm having a hard enough time making it through one.

I've realized jobs are not unlike relationships. At first you're excited, and maybe even a little nervous, about the uncharted possibilities here; but after most of those possibilities have been chartered you realize, "Yeah it was fun, and I definitely learned some stuff I can take with me, but there isn't a whole lot to keep me here."

My dad recently returned from a conference in Germany, where he ran into my old boss. Apparently she told him, "Tell [Law Revue] that if he ever wants it his old job is waiting for him." I told him to tell her to make an offer next time. Or would that just recreate my current problem?


Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Gravity: Friend or Foe?

I'll admit it: if you use the elevator, I judge you. If you use it to go up one freakin' level, I most definitely judge you. I judge you if you're fat, because this, right here, is probably why; your inability to rise to the Herculean challenge society has placed before you; to walk up one single fucking flight of stairs. OMG, what is this, a triathlon? No; it's twenty footsteps five inches high. For myself, I can do it. It doesn't make me better than you. It just makes me look better than you.

I mostly judge you, though, because you're inconveniencing me, and that's annoying. On the way to the top I really have to stop on the 4th floor so you can get on, and stop again at the 5th so you can get off? I would never do something like that to you. Mostly because I work on the top floor, and you're not important enough.

Things I hate more: people who get on the elevator to go DOWN one level.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

I Love You, Cupcake



Today is one of my co-worker's birthday, so we're having cupcakes. I love cupcakes. If desserts were people, then regular cake would be an easy-going fat guy, the lovable life of the party, and cupcake would be his adorable kid sister: 5'3", with a blond ponytail and a perky name like Stacie (with an ie!). She'd mean well, but she'd probably break your heart when she wasn't paying attention. Keep your eye out for her more intellectual but equally pint-sized sister, Muffin.

I think one of the things I love so much about cupcakes is the name. Cup. Cake. It sounds like someone took a regular cake and used some futuristic laser ray to shrink it down to a size you could stick in your pocket and take with you. Or maybe like someone jammed a cake into a blender and fashioned from its goodness a delicious smoothie. Either way, I'm eating it.

One of my co-workers just said she loves to make cupcakes but doesn't like eating them. I should marry that girl.

Frosting is white;
Sprinkles are blue.
Cupcakes are good
But not good for you.



The song is so wholesome I can't fucking stand it.

Monday, July 07, 2008

And Now: SHE'S Just Not That Into You

This guy is so fucking money, and he doesn't even know it!


Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Commie Hippie Establishment

Because I don't ride a motorcycle or drive a souped-up truck, it's hard for people to know just how tiny my penis is. Luckily for all of you, my mother is doing her part. Years ago she bought me a re-usable Whole Foods grocery bag that I'm supposed to take with me to the store, so I can save a paper bag. I like it. It's my way of saying to the world, "Hey, world! Look at me! I care THIS MUCH about the environment! Can you just imagine how tiny my penis must be?"

When I was at Whole Foods over the weekend the guy ringing me up said, "Your total comes to [$xx.xx]. Oh, cool, you have your own bag. Then your total comes to [less than $xx.xx]." Hold on a second. You were gonna charge me for a paper bag? Did you know: At most stores you get the bags for free. You can even get those plastic ones that are perfect for choking other people's children. What kind of commie hippie establishment is that place?