Sunday, November 02, 2008

Circle Yes If You Like Me

This post is not about Ireland. What ever happened to the love letter? Do people write them anymore? I'm not talking about a smoochy email. I'm talking about something you would see in a Ken Burns documentary, with a moving soundtrack and hearty voice actor. I'm talking about the type of letter in which the author wields words of imagery like a scalpel:

My dearest Zelda,

The merest warmth of your breath is to me as a raging fire to a man who has wasted his life wandering through Artic winters, so greatly do I yearn for you; the cruel pleasure of my desire is a double-edge sword that cuts me ever deeper with each day we two are further apart. How I wish to make my heart an open book to you, so that with each new word you might that much better understand the fullest nature of my affections (the word itself offers few too letters for an emotion so immense) and my fundamental hope for its happy return. As a dog must hunt and a bird needs must sing, so too was I constructed for the overwhelming and singular purpose of wanting you; it is God’s work we weave.

Yours In Every Manner,

A friend of mine once sent a girl a poem that asserted, "Your eyes are shooting stars in a galaxy of stationary objects." Win.

In the Olden Days men were schooled in the poetry of prose and "the ways of courtship." Did you know King George III sailed his bride up the river Thames to music that was specially composed? Some would label that an opulent waste of resouces. Others call it romance.

Nowadays men only account for 20 percent of readers. WTF? I ask you. W. T. F. You can't wield the weapons if you don't know the arsenal.

I think the real reason for the decline of the love letter is technology. When I was in middle school there was a young girl with whom I would "correspond." She would send me these loose-leaf pages in her own flowing script. I would type mine out and print them off. I typed them because I have the handwriting of a five-year-old and a letter is only effective if the recipient can read it. But I realized there's a certain romance lost in receiving a typed letter--more akin to getting your third notice of delinquent payment than a promise of affection and fidelity.

If you plan on writing a love letter, may I suggest starting a blog for the particular purpose? Look at this blog. Wouldn't you want to receive some glowing words with that lighthouse in the upper left? It's like stationary. What if I wrote it in this cutesy font? I started a test blog wth that purpose, and I don't want to brag, but I think I swept MYSELF off my feet.


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