Law Revue

PolitiFalse

2011-12-14T08:31:00.007-06:00

I know I haven’t written on this thing for a while; but something has gotten me so steamed recently that I feel the need to express it publicly, and I’m frankly shocked no one else has bothered to talk about it.

Last week the Daily Show did one of their better bits in recent years on the War on Christmas. Peppering the usual outraged diatribe with fun-filled facts extracted from a History Channel Special, Jon and Co. asserted that the first Congress considered Christmas so un-sacred that they actually convened on Christmas Day in 1789, and for most of the 67 years after. You can watch the entire clip below:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Tree Fighting Ceremony

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

The problem? This supposed fact isn’t true (or is it?). A couple days later the so-called PolitiFact posted an article claiming this statement was so false, it was Pants-On-Fire worthy.

Normally, who gives a shit, right? I mean, it’s the Daily Show. They may win Emmys for the quality of their work, but no one is really turning to a comedy show for Congressional trivia…particularly when they’re only referencing trivia from a more reliable source, anyway.

But that’s the point, isn’t it? If PolitiFact is right that Congress didn’t convene on Christmas Day in 1789, why does the History Channel (and multiple other sources) claim that they did?

This is a question no one appears to be asking. On Facebook there are hundreds of comments pointing out that the “lie” wasn’t Stewart’s; it was in fact the History Channel’s, since that was Jon’s source. But no one appears to be questioning whether it is PolitiFact that has its pants on fire.

I’m not a Congressional or Christmas scholar, so I’ll leave it to someone else to eventually determine whether PolitiFact is correct. But I find their reasoning questionable at best. The History Channel should be a relatively reliable source of historical information. Where did they go wrong?

To start, let’s look at PolitiFact’s sources. The first is a phone call to one Donald Ritchie, an historian of the U.S. Senate. Sounds like a good source, right? Don “had his doubts.” Translation: he didn’t actually know the fucking answer. Next.

PolitiFact then proceeded to “dig into the records.” This apparently consisted simply of going to the US Senate’s website to see the start and end dates of the 1789 Congressional session, and then extrapolating from those records. This was followed up by going to ANOTHER website to browse through the congressional journals from that year. I salute that they did some additional research, but this leaves a little bit to be desired before denouncing someone as a liar.

Juxtaposed against this is still the History Channel, who apparently no one ever bothered to call in order to determine from where they acquired their information. There is also the ACLU and numerous other websites (example) making the same proclamation that Congress met on 12.25.1789. Try it yourself!

Perhaps most significant is a quick search at books.google.com, which uncovers multiple published sources asserting Congress met on Christmas Day, 1789. If you are near a local library, maybe you could check out page 288 of The Oxford Handbook of Church and State in the United States by Derek Davis.

Now, here’s a lesson on sources, children. The Senate government website is certainly one of the more reliable websites. But it’s a WEBSITE. Published books and documentaries tend to be written by qualified experts who have to go through a vetting process. When you have to choose between a website and the Oxford Handbook to Anything, you go with the Oxford Handbook.

This basic lesson is lost on some people. In my quest to unearth the truth of the first American Christmas I found this blog, which gleefully chortled “Congress had adjourned its session on September 29, 1789, and did not reconvene until January 4, 1790. That took one click on Wikipedia to confirm. But you know, why bother.” It took all my willpower not to observe that, granted that if you’re a conservative there’s only a 1-in-4 chance you are college educated (Pew Research!), you should still know better than to trust Wikipedia as a reliable font of information. Particularly in the face of more reliable sources.

Which brings us back to the PolitiFact article. Your research is interesting, young Padawan. But it’s hardly conclusive. Certainly not conclusive enough to denounce someone else as a liar.

So why does this matter? BECAUSE no one is questioning PolitiFact. Because they’re becoming guilty of the very thing they pretend to deride. In the conservative blog above one commenter asserts Jon is a liar because he had a willful disregard for the truth, reflexively regurgitating a “fact” without investigating its veracity. Aren’t you guilty of the same thing, trusting a PolitiFact article without questioning its reliability?

Here At The End Of All Things

2009-02-01T22:52:00.003-06:00

I can see a few people still read this thing, so I'm just gonna come out and say it: in a few weeks, I'm shutting this down. I had fun blogging back in law school and tried to keep it going during What Comes After but the truth is I just don't have any interest in this anymore. I had intended to let this just die back in December but a few people wanted to know what was going on between me and C.M. Which is really the point. Blogging about C.M. when she was just a girl at work I had a crush on was one thing. But I think it's sort of inappropriate to be writing about her on the Internet now that we've got an actual relationship going. Also I'd rather save my wittiness for her than you people. If I keep blogging I'll feel obligated to show this to her some day, and the truth is I really don't want to show this to her.

We had some good times, though! Don't be sad.

'At least, dear friends, on the shores of the Sea, we come to the end of our fellowship here in Middle-Earth. Go in peace! I will not say, "Do not weep," for not all tears are an evil.'

A Noob Definitely Made Those Tracks

2009-01-22T11:23:00.005-06:00

Here's how CM and I spend our workdays:

A Madlib: On The Trail Of Bigfoot

One Bleached day, our class went hiking along the Duluth River. Like all Beached hikers, we were ready for any emergency. In our backpacks, we carried Whales, Whale-Steak, and one Dominant Male Turkey During Mating Season.

As we walked along the trail, Dr Leo Marvin noticed a(n) Gooey footprint. “Do you think a(n) Noob made these tracks?” Dr Leo Marvin asked.

“No, but let's follow them anyway,” suggested [anonymous coworker].

We Exploded for hours. Then I screamed, “Humbug!! I think I see a huge Appendix.”

“OMG!” we heard someone say. It was Amanda Hugginkiss.

“Amanda Hugginkiss!” we screamed. “We thought you were a huge Appendix!”

“Do I look like a huge Appendix? Well, as long as you're all here, you can help me look for Madlibs. There are lots of them here along the Duluth River. We can take them back to school and study them under our microscopes.”

“OMG!!” everyone said.

Back By Two People's Demand

2009-01-13T21:51:00.003-06:00

I am too lazy to write a post about C.M. Here, however, for your perusal is an email she sent me over the weekend. From it you should be able to figure out how things are proceeding without too much trouble..."provenance," I believe archaeologists (and the French, it you believe etymologists) call it.

You're a really impressive guy, Big Tuna. The last thing I would want is to set up expectations that I cannot ultimately meet. If you want to have a conversation about whatever is going on between us, I think that is a fine idea. I would probably end up telling you that I think the feelings are relatively mutual. When I said I like you "quite a bit," it was more of my way of saying I like you a whole heck of a lot. The problem is that liking someone this much while trying to figure out an engagement is pretty scary for me. For the time being, I don't feel right acting upon it so I guess if that means putting things on hold, then that's probably what we should do. If you want to talk about anything further that's cool with me. You'll still remain the reason I get excited about coming to work!

A Phone Conversatoin With My Mother

2008-12-21T15:54:00.001-06:00

[As my father hands her the phone] "So, wait, how do I end the call when we're done? I just press End Cal--"

Click.

The Story So Far

2008-12-17T09:35:00.006-06:00

Oh. Hello. I didn't see you there. How was your weekend? Mine was good. I did some stuff for work, taught myself to play squash left-handed. Oh, and some stuff happened with CM, too. The good news: it's official; she's breaking up with her fiance. O'Doyle rules!

The bad news? She's break up with her fiance, of course! That's a lot of chaos in a person's life, and we've decided to table anything until she feels like she's gotten that part of her life resolved. We didn't discuss it much further than that, but I suspect we'll have to insert a cooling-off period as well. Still, I feel like things are going quite well for me right now. One of you loyal readers sent me an email yesterday suggesting I was in a pickle here, but the truth is this has been about the easiest thing I've ever done. Things are just falling into place. I've never been with someone who made me feel so good about myself for just being myself.

That's the real problem. My gut tells me that things are going great, but my head doesn't trust this. It's too easy, too simple. My head thinks something's afoot. God is setting a trap, and C.M.'s the bait! God wouldn't just LET me be happy after 27 years of working so hard to prevent it.

A Picture is Worth 1,000 Whiny Blog Posts

2008-12-10T14:13:00.004-06:00

CM doesn't have a facebook page, but here's a picture of her I was able to find. She's the one in the middle?

Awkward Cute Mentee Moment #15

2008-12-10T10:00:00.003-06:00

I honestly did not intend to number these so sequentially. Things have not proceeded as I had foreseen.

Today is CM's birthday. Of course I got her a gift! Her favorite quote from The Office is "Bears beats Battlestar Galactica," so I got her:

1. A plush Christmas bear.
2. A beet.
3. A picture of the Battlestar Galactica I downloaded off the Internet.

Now she's been spending the rest of the day emailing me possible recipes we can use for the beet. So far we've discovered recipes for both beet wine and beet ice cream.

By the way, I appreciate the advice, but I think the gainfully-employed Mikhail is getting closest to the mark: I don't think she's engaged anymore. She hasn't worn her ring in a week. She's working on her house by herself. How is she spending her birthday this weekend? We're going to see a movie. C-block successfully deployed. We think.

Awkward Cute Mentee Moment #14

2008-12-08T22:05:00.003-06:00

Here's another email C.M. just sent me:

"Then I command Origami Yoda:

"

Awkward Cute Mentee Moment #13

2008-12-06T10:03:00.001-06:00

Yesterday: No ring. I checked both hands this time, just to be sure. Do you ever take them into the shop for some reason?

Awkward Cute Mentee Moment #12

2008-12-05T11:32:00.002-06:00

Here's an email I just got from C.M.:

"That said, what kind of world would it be if you could just ask a woman what she is thinking?"

I am so attracted to her right now.

The Cute Mentee Cumeth Cometh

2008-12-04T09:48:00.003-06:00

A couple of people have asked me what ever became of the Cute Mentee. I'll tell you. She's engaged. I figured she would be. I figured my father was right - the good ones are mostly taken, and she's a little too good not to be taken. At first I prided myself on surreptitiously checking her hand to see if she had a ring. But I was looking at her right hand. Apparently the engagement ring should go on the left? Who knew? Certainly not me.

Nevertheless, things are getting a little weird between us. Here are some examples:

1. She's been spending the past few weeks slowly decorating my desk for Christmas. No, that is not part of her job description. I don't mind it, but it seems a little weird. Someone even asked me, "Why is [Cute Mentee] decorating your desk?" To which I quipped, "I think the real question is, why aren't MORE people decorating my desk?" Awkwardness averted.

2. I talk to her for at least a half-hour every day, and she hasn't once mentioned her fiance. I feel like she's excessively avoiding the topic. In the company newsletter she said she and her fiance were looking to buy a house, and when I asked in what neighborhood, and I quote, "you guys" ended up buying it, she responded "I bought it off 7th street. I'm redoing the kitchen." It was like the polar opposite of the royal We.

A List

2008-12-02T23:56:00.001-06:00

A running list of Things That Should Not Be Allowed On Airplanes:

1. Firearms (obviously)
2. Yelling children.
3. Farters.
4. Fat people.
5. Roller suitcases that cannot fit vertically in the overhead bin.

Girlfriend Is Better

2008-11-30T22:35:00.007-06:00

Hello, my vittles. It's been a while, hasn't it? You shouldn't have stayed up waiting for me. Don't worry, there are more Adventures from Ireland; but honestly, I'm thinking of just posting some of the pictures on Facebook and letting you, the reader, deduce such Adventures as you will. A picture is worth a thousand words, so 50+ should be worth 4-5 more blog posts. Right?

I'm writing from my parents' house right now. Michigan. Today was a perfect day. I spent the morning editing some of my Ireland pictures on the computer, and when I looked outside our yard had been transformed into a Winter Wonderland. So we spent the rest of the day drinking wine and decorating the Christmas tree. Did you have a nice Thanksgiving? Seriously, I don't care.

Parents' home is nice, but Home Is Better. Here are some things I'm missing about my apartment in St Paul:

* My own bed (foam mattress = Space Age technology)
* The Complete 1-7 Seasons of The West Wing on DVD
* Doing the dishes whenever I damn well feel like it (or rather, NOT doing the dishes UNTIL I damn well feel like it)
* Completing all my errands by 11:00 am
* Porn - sweet, glorious porn
* People who get "The Office" references

There's probably some other stuff. I'll let you know when I get there.

This has nothing to do with anything:

Adventures in Ireland: The Land of Rainbows

2008-11-06T09:24:00.002-06:00

They (yes, the omniscient "they") call Ireland The Emerald Isle, and truly 'tis. But perhaps a more fitting label would be The Land of Rainbows. Never in my life have I seen so many rainbows, either in quality or sheer volume; and I suspect I never will again. I was so struck by them, I started to write a poem. They hath moved me to poetry! Here's a snippet:

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely...as the rainbows I saw in Ireland.

Yes, the arc of the rainbow is long, but it bends towards Ireland.

On the western side of the island country, where the weather alternates between rain and sun every fifteen minutes, one is bombarded with rainbow after rainbow: full and clear and spectacular rainbows. They burst out of the sea when you stand by the cliffs and fill the fields like the St Louis Arch when you drive across the western countryside; you can drive under them; you can see rainbows on top of rainbows; sometimes they're so close you swear that if you ran fast enough you could reach out and touch them. If you like rainbows, and you like beer, then you should go to Ireland, because they've got 'em both.

The bad news is, not once did I see a pot of gold at the end of any of them. I'm starting to think that's just a myth perpetrated by the pro-rainbow lobby.

Rainbows!

To Win Would Be An Awfully Big Adventure

2008-11-05T09:13:00.005-06:00

And so it begins. Are you ready for it? We've changed things, forever. There's no going back.

Last night we all bore witness; we watched as the final realization of America's promise blossomed as it never has before. We watched as inspiration persevered over prejudice and discovered it knows no color or creed, but is bound only by the vision of eloquence.

History has taught us that so often our darkest hours redouble as our finest, or else give birth to them. And there are great challenges ahead that face us: two wars against terrorism, an economy in crisis, and a nation divided even as our moral authority erodes. These challenges are great, but they are neither unprecedented nor insurmountable, so long as we are armed with hope in our hearts and carry American fellowship in our arsenal; their remedies will be long, but they cannot eclipse this moment. They are challenges that will be here tomorrow. Today we have earned ourselves the one small pleasure of a moment's respite, to savor that which was won, not in one night, not in one year, but through the persistent struggles of history.

Now let's just hope he doesn't fuck it up.

Voing Rites

2008-11-04T07:14:00.004-06:00

I just came back from voting. Every first Tuesday in November I wake up early and perform my duty as a U.S. citizen: I bear arms. Then I go vote. I was initially going to vote for Barack Obama, but after seeing how incredibly stiff and awkward and utterly unfunny John McCain and Sarah Palin were last night on SNL I decided to change my vote. My favorite part was when Sarah Palin said after two whole months - TWO WHOLE MONTHS! - of 20-hour days campaigning she was ready for a break. In no particular order:

1. Sweetheart, Barack has been campaigning like 10 times longer than that.
2. Bush's precedent notwithstanding, how many hours a day did you think you'd be working when you became vice-prez?
3. It doesn't sound like Sarah Palin expects to have a new job tomorrow if she's already talking about a break.

Let's focus on that last one a little bit more. Honestly, I urge you to watch the clip. 'Twas a beautiful moment: Sarah Palin, bereft, robbed, denied of any of the folksy charm some claimed she once possessed. I've said when I look in John McCain's eyes I can see he's a tragic figure. When I looked Sarah Palin's eyes last night, I could see she knew: she was beaten; she knew she was a loser.

Since Sarah Palin in this presidential election seemed to look down on Barack Obama, let me explain to her what being Barack Obama is like. I guess it's sort of like being Sarah Palin, except that you actually win national elections.

Election Day always holds special significance for me, because it was on Election Day in 2004 that I stated my first blog. Back then I suggested they replace the ubiquitous "I Voted" stickers with the sexier, more hype "Kiss Me, I Voted."

Adventures in Ireland: God I Fucking Love Business Class

2008-11-03T08:57:00.004-06:00

God I fucking love Business Class. Have you ever flown it? Then you are missing out. You know when people say something is like discovering there's no Santa? This was like discovering there IS a Santa. Free booze, movies on demand (although when a guy finds himself watching Mamma Mia we maybe should be questioning their selection), LAZ-E-Boy recliners, bathrooms reserved for "security reasons," and did I mention the free alcohol?

There's a cruel irony when flying Business Class, because you're trapped between the desire to sleep, thereby taking full advantage of Business Class's greatest asset (the fully reclining chair), and staying awake to savor each glorious second in full, unadulerated consciousness. Bon appetit.

There was only one thing hindering my full enjoyment. Looking around the cabin I could see a few couples smooching by the windows, and I couldn't help but think how much more this experience would be enhanced if it could be shared with D.G. Holding the hand of the woman you love whilst reclining in aviation style, it must be hard for an individual not to muse to himself, "My God, I am so completely and utterly The Shit."

But seriously, you guys: God I fucking love Business Class.

Circle Yes If You Like Me

2008-11-02T09:05:00.007-06:00

This post is not about Ireland. What ever happened to the love letter? Do people write them anymore? I'm not talking about a smoochy email. I'm talking about something you would see in a Ken Burns documentary, with a moving soundtrack and hearty voice actor. I'm talking about the type of letter in which the author wields words of imagery like a scalpel:

My dearest Zelda,

The merest warmth of your breath is to me as a raging fire to a man who has wasted his life wandering through Artic winters, so greatly do I yearn for you; the cruel pleasure of my desire is a double-edge sword that cuts me ever deeper with each day we two are further apart. How I wish to make my heart an open book to you, so that with each new word you might that much better understand the fullest nature of my affections (the word itself offers few too letters for an emotion so immense) and my fundamental hope for its happy return. As a dog must hunt and a bird needs must sing, so too was I constructed for the overwhelming and singular purpose of wanting you; it is God’s work we weave.

Yours In Every Manner,
Link

A friend of mine once sent a girl a poem that asserted, "Your eyes are shooting stars in a galaxy of stationary objects." Win.

In the Olden Days men were schooled in the poetry of prose and "the ways of courtship." Did you know King George III sailed his bride up the river Thames to music that was specially composed? Some would label that an opulent waste of resouces. Others call it romance.

Nowadays men only account for 20 percent of readers. WTF? I ask you. W. T. F. You can't wield the weapons if you don't know the arsenal.

I think the real reason for the decline of the love letter is technology. When I was in middle school there was a young girl with whom I would "correspond." She would send me these loose-leaf pages in her own flowing script. I would type mine out and print them off. I typed them because I have the handwriting of a five-year-old and a letter is only effective if the recipient can read it. But I realized there's a certain romance lost in receiving a typed letter--more akin to getting your third notice of delinquent payment than a promise of affection and fidelity.

If you plan on writing a love letter, may I suggest starting a blog for the particular purpose? Look at this blog. Wouldn't you want to receive some glowing words with that lighthouse in the upper left? It's like stationary. What if I wrote it in this cutesy font? I started a test blog wth that purpose, and I don't want to brag, but I think I swept MYSELF off my feet.

The Prodigal Son Returns

2008-11-01T21:01:00.002-05:00

Hello, my friends. It is I! I have at last returned from m two-week sojourn across the wilds of Ireland and the streets of London-town. Lots of fun stuff happened in the Old Country and I imagine I'll be writing about some of it. But right now I've been awake for almost 24 hours straight and I imagine I'll be awake for a couple more. So this is where I bid you adieu. Until we meet again, good friends.

Me Name is Mcnamara...

2008-10-17T14:11:00.003-05:00

Hello there. Wow, do I even update this thing anymore? Whose blog is this? Things have been crazy busy the past few weeks. I gearing up for a two-week sojourn to The Land of Ire (tidbit: I'm flying Business Class) and have been engrossed in the preparations. Taking a vacation is tiring work. I think I may need a vacation away from my vacation. Here are some fun, non-Irish things I've discovered over the past few weeks:

John McCain is a Tragic Figure. You know all those crazy people that keep shouting at his rallies that Barack Obama is a terrorist, a traitor, and probably smells bad, too? John McCain doesn't like them. You can see it in his eyes. I've been checking the footage. Everytime Angry Crowd Member #1 beseeches we kill Barack Obama, I've seen the pain in McCain's eyes. He knows he's gone too far; he's crossed a line; he's passed the Point of No Return; there's no turning back now; how did it come to this? In those moments he remembers why he turned his back on the conservative base for all but the last three months of his political career: they're fucking psychopaths. I guess I can't blame him for morally stumbling so close to the Finish Line. The things we do for our dreams.

Sarah Palin is a Nihilist. She believes in nothing, Lebowski. No-zing! It's why she can denounce government spending in one sentence and promise increased education funding in the next. These are just words. They don't mean anything. Sarah Palin just parrots the party lines. She doesn't have a vision for America. Girl just wants to be famous. Presidents are famous! The problem is, to be president, you have to have some of those darn policy ideas. It doesn't really matter which ones. They need not even be consistent. Just so long as you have some. "Government shouldn't tell us what to do...except when it comes to who we can sleep with." "We can wage wars and pay down the deficit AND cut taxes. We can do it all!" "I want all my groceries to fit in one bag...but I don't want it to be heavy." Things were so much easier when you could just prance around in your swimsuit, weren't they?

Wait for it...

JOSH: Senator, you’re the prohibitive favorite to be the Democratic Party’s nominee for President. You have 58 million dollars in war chest with no end in sight, and...
I don’t know what we’re for.
HOYNES: Josh...
JOSH: I don’t know what we’re for, and I don’t know what we’re against, except we seem to be for winning and against somebody else winning.
HOYNES: It’s a start.

Debate Talk

2008-10-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

I suppose I should say something about the Biden-Palin debate. But I really don't feel like it. Here, however, are some interesting things I learned:

1. Palin believes in American exceptionalism...just not in the American elite.

2. A McCain-Palin administration will cut taxes but also increase education funding. It's magic!

3. Maverick.

You know why Palin did better than she did in the Gibson-Couric interviews? Because she could control the questions. "Governor, some people say your lack of experience is your Achilles' heel. What is your Achilles' heel?" "Well, ya know, Gwen, I have lots of executive experience. I was a governor, a mayor, I worked on the oil regulatory commission, I ran a business. Also I'm a mother." No, no, the question was about your Achilles' heel. It's from Greek mythology, it's like a weakness...you know what, you're handlers can explain it to you after the debate.

You Can Take the Boy Out of High School...

2008-10-02T09:36:00.002-05:00

Things are coming along nicely with the Cute Mentee and me. For some reason I am feeling like I am under some sort of tremendous time crunch to ask her out. It's like I'm back in high school and people are telling me that I better ask her to the prom before someone else does. I don't like to work that way. I like to take weeks (months?) before asking someone out; I need the time to feel them up out. Is this person really worth my time?

Speaking of high school...I've sort of reverted back to it a little bit. The past few weeks I have found myself fabricating reasons to walk past her desk or, for example, suddenly deciding I need napkins from the cafteria when she heads down for a coffee break. This is all very mature.

Vice-presidential debate tonight. Fifty bucks says Sarah Palin cries.

Now That's What I Call Leadership!

2008-09-28T18:53:00.005-05:00

John McCain, you guys. For real. Is it just me, or did Debate John McCain remind anyone else of your racist old grandfather who stills refers to black people as "coloreds"?* My grandfather isn't that way, but that's probably what he would be like if he was. Dude, grandpa, get with it: it's the 90s.

* Mulattos?

Personally, I like Witty John McCain. John McCain with a joke is sort of like a mule with a spinning wheel: no one's sure how he got it, and damn if he knows what to do with it.

So let me get this right. We sit down with Ahmadinejad, and he says, "We're going to wipe Israel off the face of the Earth," and we say, "No, you're not"? Oh, please.

John's solution is much better. Let's NEVER say it. Or say it from far away. Or behind his back. Or send a lacky to say it. Now that's what I call muthafuckin' leadership!

I also like Poetic John McCain. John McCain with poetic imagery is sort of like a mule with a spinning wheel: no one's sure how he got it, and...oh, you know how the rest of it goes.

But if we snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and adopt Senator Obama's plan, then we will have a wider war and it will make things more complicated throughout the region, including in Afghanistan.

Psst! Don't tell anyone, but snatching defeat from the jaws of victory is actually a good thing. Otherwise the jaws of victory will be tasting defeat. In fact, your imagery could overall use better symmetry. See me after class.

Celebrate Your Berf

2008-09-25T19:19:00.004-05:00

Today is my birthday. I'm 27. Happy birthday. I'm one of those people who hates celebrating my birthday. Without fail, and these year was not an exception. This in turn has me even more upset, because if I don't like birthdays at 27, what kind of curmudgeon am I going to be at 60? To me birthdays are sort of like law school graduation: I'm sad to begin with, and then I become even sadder because everyone is acting like I should be happy.

"Go do something fun on your birthday," everyone keeps telling me. "Go celebrate." Here's how I celebrated: I spent $250. On what? Car maintenance. One of the plastic hinges on my door handle broke. The handle costs $26, but replacing it costs $115. I feel a little like President Barlet couldn't land Air Force One because the wheels' indicator light didn't come on.

LEO: Listen to me, are you listening? This is one of those things that sounds worse than it is. I can't tell you how many times this happens. It's a 30-cent piece of plastic.
BARTLET: Well, it should cost more, don't you think?

The Story So Far

2008-09-24T10:48:00.006-05:00

Here are some things I've learned about the Cute Mentee over the past week:

1. She lives in my neighborhood.

2. She plays jazz bass.

3. She is into photography.

4. She's a runner.

By itself, who cares, right? Still, with each new discovery I become more and more surprised with what we have in common. If it turns out she likes The West Wing, I'll believe in a Higher Power.

I've realized this is, in some ways, the perfect situation for a guy: a beautiful woman who, from the very nature of our relationship, has to keep coming to me beseeching that I deign to bestow some of my professional wisdom upon her. Men, we like being experts, being deferred to--it's important to us that we be right. And as of right now, I am always right.

Maybe I'll ask her for ice cream. Seriously, I know at least three married couples who jump-started The Death Do Us Part bit with an ice cream date. Including our future Commander-in-Chief. Who dated his lawyer-mentor. Interesting.

Grow Up, Or Rather Down

2008-09-21T19:35:00.004-05:00

Dude, sometimes I am so old. Three times this week my friend called me and asked if I wanted to go out drinking. Each time I declined. Yet today as I was strolling through my neighborhood past the likes of Pottery Barn and Restoration Hardware I was thinking to myself how nice it would be to have a girlfriend so we could go furniture shopping together. WTF is wrong with me? Something is. This is not normal.

I know a lot of people who seem to spend their lives wishing they could be 20 again, which is sort of sad for them. But I've spent most of my life waiting impatiently to be 35, which is equally sad for me. When I graduated from college my mother quipped, "You're so lucky, you have your whole life ahead of you." I don't want my life ahead of me. I want a portion of it behind me. I want a nice house and nice car and annual European vacations in four-star hotels. Wouldn't that be nice?

I feel what Jonathan Safran Foer refers to as "the sadness of having options" in Everything Is Illuminated. I suppose the sadness is not truly in having them, but in electing to decline them.

If You Still Don't Think Love Is About Sacrifice...

2008-09-20T10:56:00.004-05:00

I just read about it on the Internet, so it must be true!

Seriously, though. Could that guy be any more of a mediocre writer?

NASA Spokesman: Look, I don't want to step on your toes, you don't want to step on mine. We're both writers.
Sam: Yes, I suppose, if we broaden the definition to those who can spell.
NASA Spokesman: Excuse me?

But don't take my word for it. You can see it live. YOU CAN SEE IT LIVE!

Notes From The Workplace: A Reason Women SHOULD Be In The Workplace

2008-09-19T09:52:00.005-05:00

I think I'm starting to become seriously attracted to the Cute Mentee. Last night as I was falling asleep I found myself actually looking forward to work today when I see get to her. LOOKING FORWARD TO WORK, I tell you! Can you imagine such a thing? How did it come to this? There have only been five women in my life I've had that experience for. Interestingly, they have each been delineated within a specific time period: one in middle school, one in high school, one in college, one in law school. Now one at work. I bet there'll be one when I'm in the retirement home.

I said before that I don't like hitting on girls when they're at work. But what about when you work with them? Does that make it more, or less, acceptable? I guess first and foremost I better review that sexual harassment policy pamphlet I derided so, er, derisively a year ago.

Did You Know: the Cute Mentee sits on the Board of Directors for the historical association in my neighborhood? In A Few Good Men Colonel Jessup says there's nothing sexier than a woman you have to salute in the morning. Hmm. What about a woman you have to pay dues to?

And On The 8th Day God Made A Facebook Profile

2008-09-18T09:35:00.006-05:00

God bless Facebook. Facebook has endowed me, the little guy, with omniscient-like powers. Through the power of Facebook, I have been able to look up the Cute Mentee and, more importantly, judge her without the whole bother of getting to know her. Example: her brother is a crazy conservative who attended a rally held by Michelle Bachman, urging among other things that we "END THE MARXIST ORGY IN ST PAUL." Wow. That's a lot of words just to spell "high-minded debate." Winner.

I'm guessing you've never been to an orgy, because I'm pretty sure this isn't what it feels like.

UPDATED: The Rules of Attraction

2008-09-17T19:37:00.001-05:00

Up-close and personal, the Cute Mentee is even cuter. You have earned your nickname well, grasshopper.

The Rules of Attraction

2008-09-17T10:20:00.004-05:00

Today at work I start mentoring the Cute Mentee. She's pretty much what she sounds like; I try to give people obvious nicknames on this blog so you can figure out what they are without too much context (Library Girl, Dream Girl, "Mike," etc.). If D.G. went to a worse school than me, then the Cute Mentee went to a much worse one. On the other hand, she's a lawyer. She's got a better nose, but I like to think not as cute a smile. Eh, I guess it's a wash.

I miss the "good old days," before the puritanic values of America took root in our workplace. In an episode of 30 Rock a character says to Kenneth, "In those days, if you wanted to do something with another man, it wasn't gay; it was just two men, celebrating each other's strength." I miss the days when the occasional ass grab or innocent observation on the status of her proverbial "rack" wasn't sexual harassment; it was just complimenting her appearance. Everyone knows women find authority sexy; so I think it's fair to say that if I've got authority over you, you should have to sleep with me. Ipso facto. I don't write the rules of attraction; I'm their playtoy as much as anybody else.

Crouching Moose, Hidden Palin (or Abandon Ship!)

2008-09-16T09:27:00.009-05:00

For weeks I've warned my friends not to underestimate the power of the Palin vice-presidency pick. I've always suspected there was some hidden genius there the media didn't initially see. She's reenergized the base. The comparisons of experience between her and Barack are weakening him; the top of one ticket should not be equated with the bottom of another. She's diverted focus from McCain. But here's the real genius:

Sarah Palin has saved George Bush's legacy.

Sarah Palin has done what I don't think even the death of Osama bin Laden could do. I never thought the day would come, but she makes me think, "I'd rather have four more years of a Bush presidency than even two years of a Palin one." Palin is the Republicans' way of saying, "You thought Bush was bad? Let's see if we can do any worse." And the hungry masses cried out, "Yes, we can!"

Seriously, you guys. I was half-joking before. But now I'm not. If John McCain becomes president, I am seriously moving to another country. A McCain presidency would establish once and for all that Bob Herbert was right in Saturday's times, and this nation truly is dominated by dimwits. It saddens me to reach this realization, but I suppose it is far better to grasp things as they really are than to persist in delusion.

America is sort of like the Titanic. Yeah it's a beautiful ship, but the motherfucker is so clearly slowly yet certainly sinking. And if we don't all of us get off soon enough, she may suck us down with her. I'm gettin' outta here and, if you're smart, you'll take my hand like you want to live.

Or she's like the girl you used to love, who has been transformed by the douches she's dated into something quite different: something average and purely ordinary. These assholes have run my country into the ground.

The comedy isn't funny any more. It's like a Ricky Gervais comedy, that starts off funny until the patheticism starts to become real. Take this:

At first I thought he misheard the question. It was like someone asked him how he would make America stronger and Old Man McCain quipped, "I like pecan pie!" But it turns out this is the best his campaign can spin for Palin's foreign policy credentials.

"Energy?" Really? WTF?

Make no mistake: energy is an important aspect of national security. But it's not national security. It's got its own freakin' department, and the Sec of Energy doesn't sit on the NSC.

This would be like the governor of Pennsylvania claiming he should be Chairman of the Joint Chiefs because steel is essential to the war effort. The Supreme Court says: Not so much. Girl lives in a state that's got a lot of oil? Well, shit! Someone get her the fucking nuclear launch codes, stat!

They forget: we all know how to pad a resume.

Five Fashion Tips Those Wall-Street Fat Cats Don't Want You To Know.

2008-09-15T21:38:00.010-05:00

Today was Dress-Up Day at work. Some bigwigs from the London office were coming through. I hate Dress-Up Day. You should pay me more if you want me to wear a tie just to please some corporate fat-cats. I specifically took this job so I WOULDN'T have to dress up.

But here's the thing about Dress-Up Day. I just feel so damn important. Would somebody put a motherfucking TPS report in my hands ASAP? Today I was goofing off during lunch and a woman passing by gave me a dirty look. Um, excuse me? Did you not notice I am wearing a tie right now? My shirt is tucked in. I must have a lot of responsibility.

Let's head down to Caribou. Hello, ladies. Don't mind me whilst I check my email on my Smart Phone. I could be expecting an important message from Johnson on the Tokyo deal. Or maybe just an inappropriately humorous (humorously inappropriate?) picture forwarded by my mother. Who knows? You certainly have no way of finding out.

My new pick-up line: "Hi, I wear a tie to work!"

I Am The Law

2008-09-14T21:08:00.005-05:00

Periodically I get emails from the Obama campaign. You probably do, too. Here's why the ones I get are better. They're always explaining how "attorneys like you [that is, me]" make such a difference in America. They're trying to get me to volunteer as an election lawyer for November. I have no interest in doing such a thing, but the emails always make me feel better about myself. It's like being invited to a big party at the Playboy Mansion; I have no real interest in going, but it's nice to be asked.

This is probably the first time I've felt truly proud of my legal education. Work oscillates between intellectually engaging and day-to-day dullness. But these emails make me aware of the immense power I could wield if I so chose. Like a surgeon wields a scalpel, I too can wield something that might render me powerful beyond measure. I feel like President Bartlet in episode 2F15: "I have set up monumental, unprecedented, unbreakable rules about my children and the press! IT IS THE LAW!" The Law is like The Force: it surrounds us, it penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.

The only other time I've felt proud of my legal education is when I've been arguing with my parents. Last Thanksgiving my father and I were debating Congressional war powers, and after enduring some asinine line of his for about five minutes I finally said, "Everybody in this conversation who's actually studied the Constitution, please raise your hand." That shut him up.

Or take last month, when my mother was trying to explain bankruptcy law to me and I interrupted, "So are you referring to Chapter 7 or Chapter 11 bankruptcy? Are we talking full liquidation here or just reorganization?" Her response: "Oh, that's right, I keep forgetting you know more than me now." Damn straight.

In other words, my J.D. has made me an asshole. Enjoy.

"My dear Nora, as a lawyer I know what I'm talking about." --Ibsen, A Doll's House

Last Time We Met I Was But The Learner

2008-09-12T10:03:00.002-05:00

At work I'm mentoring one of the new attorneys that just came in. Truth be told, things are a little awkward between us. He's a nice enough guy, but he's constantly talking about his experience as a judicial clerk. "When I was a judicial clerk, we used to use secondary sources all the time." "I didn't do much legislative history research, back when I was a judicial clerk." "I remember when all the judicial clerks used to give each other hand jobs." Dude, seriously, look at my face: I don't care. Maybe it's because I'm 26 and Dude's gotta be at least 45. I understand that at times our insecurities may tower over us like giants, and it seems their shadows alone could crush us. But look at my face. I. Don't. Care.

A Change of Greenery

2008-09-11T10:06:00.006-05:00

Minnesota weather is pretty ridiculous. When I left it was 80 degrees and sunny, and a week later it's dropped to 60 degrees and overcast. Giuseppe Verdi once said, "Donna e mobile, qual piuma al vento, muta d’accento e di pensiero," but if he'd ever been to St Paul he probably would have said it was MINNESOTA that was fickle.

Minneapolis-St Paul is one of my favorite places in the summer, but I'm not sure how many more winters I can endure. In May my contract at work expires; I can keep working here if I want, or I can transfer to a different office. Here are some of The Contenders:

1. Chicago, IL. My company has a huge office in Chicago. I grew up there, so I've already got a lot of friends there, and a history. There are a lot of things I like about Chicago, but I've always felt it was a little too big; a city that marginalizes you, rather than embraces you.

2. Ann Arbor, MI. There are both advantages and disadvantages to living in the same town as one's parents. This option was more attractive before everyone I knew from high school left.

3. Portland, OR. The Land-Port, the Port on the Land. My cuz already lives out there and my dad has an office in the city, so he flies out every few weeks. My parents have become oddly obsessed with this city (it's so green!). I've only been there once but it struck me as being remarkably similar to Minneapolis.

4. Seattle, WA. When you really want to move to Portland, but wish they had more Starbucks.

5. The East Coast. I don't really like the East Coast. But a lot of my friends from college live out there, and it was nice to live in a region where 90% of what you wanted was within a four hour drive. Possibilities include Boston and D.C.

6. Somewhere in the Montana wilderness. Some days when I'm just so sick of living in society I feel like pulling a Kurtz or, less psychotically, a Thoreau; I'd sell all my earthly possessions and move into a log cabin in the woods. I'd use my savings and investments to buy every book I'd ever want to read, and I'd spend my days choppin' wood and wrestlin' bears. I'd grow a big bushy beard and learn to speak with the animals. I'd raise a pack of wolf-cubs after their mother was shot by a hunter. By Jove, I'd have adventures! Then I remember if I did all that, I'd miss the last Harry Potter movie.

7. Canada. If John McCain becomes President...

8. Wasilla, AK. I hear they raise "good folk."

My company also has an office in London, which is exciting, but I think you need to be trained in UK law or something..."barristers," I think the Brits call them. Sort of like how they refer to "tourists" as "poofs."

A Literal Ann, cont.

2008-09-07T08:54:00.005-05:00

My mother is getting more unbearable about D.G. Now she brings her up all the time, usually to point out some manner in which she isn't good enough for me. "Where did she get that nose?" "She went to Such-and-Such College, you went to a much better school." "She's only a nurse. You're a lawyer! You at least deserve a doctor." Interestingly, by most of these avenues of logic I would also be too good for my own mother. I don't think she's really down on D.G.; my suspicion is she just thinks I could find someone more deserving to be ~~obsessed~~ ~~infatuated~~ enthralled with.

This is what I need, though. Most of my friends oscillate. Sometimes they fan the flame: my female friends in particular think it's "so romantic" and proffer promises of aid to "win her," which is sweet but sort of misses the true nature of the endgame--her happiness, not mine. Other times they tell me to a grow a pair and get over her. But what I really need is someone whose opinion I overvalue and whose approval I overseek to look at her profile and say, "Eh, she's just not that cute."

My mother's still a romantic, though. Yesterday I came downstairs and she handed me the wedding section of the New York Times. For those of you who don't know, this is pretty much what it sounds like. There's usually a main story about some artsy member of the American intelligensia who somehow manages to collide into his high school crush. My mother says, "Maybe this will be you and [D.G.] some day." All signs point to "no." We're not heading for the NYT. How dim can one hope grow?

A Shining Vision of America-To-Be

2008-09-05T09:45:00.008-05:00

I could have been a speechwriter. After two straight weeks of listening to four speeches a day, I SHOULD have been a speechwriter. Check this out:

Each of our lives has converged into this singular, spectacular moment. Tomorrow when the convention is closed and our revels have ended we will all of us venture forth from these towering halls out into the world, scattered across America but bound together still by a shared purpose and recalling always our common cause: to transform a country in crisis back into the Land of the Free; to re-realize the vision first crafted by our Fore Fathers and molded by the men that followed them. Soon the chance for deliberation will be over, and we will have only a choice--the same old choice of every American Age, woven with new themes and fresh players: we will choose the next man to follow in their footsteps and bring his brand of America before the waiting eyes of history. Then our lives will converge again, and our common cause once more will bind us; as one we will pull the lever of our birthrights and shout out with a single voice. We will shout for equality and the empathy of compassion. We will shout for a shining vision of America-to-be. The nation will shout for Barack Obama.

It's not hard. When I was younger I actually thought about becoming a speechwriter. But my father has got at least one foot in the political world and he says a lot of these guys genuinely believe in the backwater Congressman they work for. That doesn't work for me. I'm not good in believing in other people. I can't decide if I believe more in people or ideas. I guess I believe in more ideas, but more strongly in people--those select few.

But I seriously could do a better job than some of these guys. "Drill, baby, drill?" Not exactly Fear Itself.

Hockey Moms: What A Bunch Of Dogs

2008-09-04T08:35:00.002-05:00

Watching the RNC is making my mother depressed. Like, despondent-about-the-future-of-America depressed. I don't think I'm going to let her watch tonight, since it just seems to upset her.

For myself, I try to see it as theater. As comedy, or a farce. I'll grant it becomes difficult when you realize this vitriol and stupidity could have an impact on American politics, but until I know for sure that people are seriously listening to Rudy (how can one man alternate so rapidly between beady-eyed and bug-eyed?) or seriously enthralled by Cindy McCain (who's like a bobblehead perpetually stuck in slow-motion) I'm not going to put the cart before the horse.

My mother got particularly upset by Sarah Palin. So much for energizing women. Anyone can make a sarcastic speech in a room that completely agrees with them; it's how you play in the real world that matters. Sarah was playing to the choir--now the question is, how big a choir is it?

Here are some things I've come to dislike about Sarah Palin's rhetoric and the rhetoric surrounding her:

1. Just your average hockey mom... I don't want an "average hockey mom" to be vice-president. At the least, I would want an ABOVE-average hockey mom. Didn't we just have an average guy as President?

DOUG: "Its challenges" make it sound like you're overwhelmed by the job and this is exactly the wrong time for that.
SAM: No. It's exactly the right time to raise the stakes of the election.
DOUG: Why?
TOBY: Cause if it's all day at the beach, any bozo with a handshake can do it.

2. The only vice-president who can field-dress a moose... This may be an impressive skill-set. I don't know. I've never field-dressed a moose. But it's not a skill-set that I look for in a vice-president, if only because I can't imagine it would come up very often. Maybe if she had studied the constitution...or been to a foreign country before 2006...

3. What's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom? Lipstick. Seriously, I am blown away by this one. Sarah Palin just said hockey moms look like pit bulls. Excuse me? That's incredibly rude! Remove the context and put those words in the mouth of a late-night comedian. "Hey, Kev...So what's the difference between pit bulls and hockey moms? Lipstick!" Let's try it this way: "Hey, Kev...what's the difference between a pit bull and Chelsea Clinton? Lipstick!" Think it's charming now? I can already see the bumper stickers: "Sarah Palin Says...Hockey Moms: What A Bunch Of Dogs."

A SitCom Called Sarah

2008-09-03T23:15:00.002-05:00

This blog is pretty lame. I can't write properly when I'm at my parents' house...my parents are constantly pestering me. It's easier when I've only got myself to answer to. The creativity, or what passes thereby, flows more easily in the security of my own space. I've noticed I've lost a few critical readers the past couple weeks, so maybe you've noticed something, too.

Palin's speech was pretty disappointing tonight. With all the talk of her charisma I was hoping to be impressed. But rather than playing to McCain's strengths it looks like the Republicans elected for Politics As Usual. Mobilize the base, make some snitty comments about the Democrats. My suspicion is it will backfire; my recollection was that Obama's original appeal was that he alone possessed the vision to end partisan politics and put the country back together again. Is it just me, or does the whole Palin clan remind anyone else of the Beverly Hillbillies? Seriously, you could write a sit-com about them.

Vote Sarah Pawlenty!...oh, wait...

2008-09-02T22:37:00.003-05:00

Here are some notes I scribbled watching the RNC:

Does Laura Bush's public speaking remind anyone else of one of those animatronic things from the rides at Disneyland? She reminds me very much so. "Thank you...for coming...tonight..."

Fred Thompson (speaking of the vice president)...wouldn't the occasional apology to the world constitute some of that "humility" you so value in John McCain?

I enjoy hearing Joe Lieberman talk about bipartisanship thirty minutes after President Bush warned me of the "Angry Left."

New Gingrich: Joe Lieberman is here because Republicans value opposing points of view. Unlike the Democrats.
Interviewer: So why isn't he the vice-presidential nominee?
Gingrich: Uhh....

A Literal Ann of my Own

2008-09-01T23:14:00.001-05:00

I’m at my parents’ house for the week. I had to get out of dodge for the RNC, plus it gives me the opportunity to get away from work for a bit and delve into some of my, not quite side, but sider projects (these mostly involve writing and furniture shopping). One of the more interesting things about being home is that I’ve completely forgotten what it’s like to live on a schedule other people rely on. What time is dinner? Whenever I feel like. Can I use the washing machine now? When is your doctor’s appointment? Here’s a query: how the hell do people live like this? I’m a rogue, a lone wolf; I can’t be caged or tied down; I needs must roam free.

Last night my mother and I stayed up late drinking wine and talking politics. I forget how, but at some early point the conversation turned to relationships, and this was the moment I finally told her about Dream Girl. This was a revelation I had kept concealed from her for a very long time, which is an accomplishment I’d be proud of if it wasn’t so utterly inane. The end it was a relief to just get it out there, because I’m hopeless when it comes to keeping things from people. It puts me on edge. Here was my mother’s contribution to the conversation. “It’s too bad you fucked up your chance. Now you’ll have to wait till your forty.” Thanks, Mom.

Now every conversation seems to be about Dream Girl, which is sort of annoying. Here’s a list of who I share friends with on Facebook. Oh look, one of them is Dream Girl. I know a couple of people who live down in New Orleans, but they seem to all have gotten out okay. Yes, one of them is Dream Girl. Today I was showing Mother some photos from one of my college alum’s websites and she was commentating on the comparable degrees of physical attractiveness exhibited by some of the girls. My two cents: “They’re not as cute as [Dream Girl]. My mother‘s: “I saw her profile, and she’s not that cute. I hope she has a good personality.” Ouch.

I think, deep down, she digs the drama.

The Chocolate City? Like Water For Chocolate!

2008-08-30T22:26:00.004-05:00

New Orleans is sort of ridiculous right now. I read what would have been an otherwise hilarious article in the NYT that stated New Orleans officials are expected to issue a "mandatory evacuation order" on Sunday. Why is that otherwise hilarious? Because "at that point, residents would be told, though not physically forced, to leave New Orleans." Find, if you can, the etymological error in that sentence.

Today on CNN I was relieved to learn that many of those NOLA residents who were evacuating the city for Baton Rouge would also be able to catch the LSU game on their way out. Thank God for football!

Seriously, though, why would a human being live in New Orleans after Katrina? You might as well move onto the slopes of Mount St. Helen after 1980. One of my co-workers suggested one could ask a similar question as to why someone would choose to live in such a godawful climate like Minnesota. Please. You get cold, you put on a sweater. In New Orleans...I guess you put on a life preserver? I'm just glad billions of dollars weren't wasted restoring a city that would be drowned again in three years anyway.

In all seriousness, though, I know several people who currently live in New Orleans, and I hope they're safe.

Inspiration Is Most Audacious

2008-08-28T22:21:00.007-05:00

I had intended to do day-by-day coverage 0f the DNC, but that plan sort of fell by the wayside. Right now I am watching Bill's speech on the NYT website, since I missed it yesterday. I even missed Barack's acceptance speech, since my office's annual office party was tonight. There was free booze, and one of my managers said he had a pool going that I would get the most drunk, so I wanted to do my part to make him proud. This is all by way of saying I am pretty drunk right now. And feeling pretty absolutely wonderful. About my office, my bosses, my co-workers, my job. About my life. But also about America. It's all converged into a perfect storm. The Democrats have rolled out some of their greatest members of my time this past week. The Kennedys. Bill. Biden. Obama. And maybe it's the booze, but I would never have thought four years ago that I could be as excited, as inspired, by my country as I am right now. I mean, my God, man. YES WE CAN. We can amend, we can reclaim the deterioration of moral leadership of the last eight years if we choose, if we elect, to band together as American brothers. We can shape it; we can reach out in November, and one-by-one we can change the fucking world. We can do better; yes, we can. I don't know if we can bridge the divide, but we can cross it--cross the gap of political partisanship that seems more designed to perpetuate itself, rather than to dissolve it. Vision is vision: it is universal; it knows no age, nor experience, nor Beltway babble; it is as real, as fundamental, as the curve of the earth itself.

Oh yeah, and no matter how much I agree with him politically, Keith Olbermann is still a douche.

Fun Fact: There is not better use of a buzz than utilizing it reading a couple chapters in Greenspan's book. Broaden your fucking mind.

It's Not Fair!

2008-08-24T01:16:00.004-05:00

Today I went to the Minnesota State Fair for the first time. Five Augusts I've lived in Minnesota, and this is the first time I've been to the State Fair. Frankly I don't see what all the fuss is about. Here are some things I learned:

1. The Bible mentions St Paul, but it doesn't mention Minneapolis.
2. Pretty much any food can be fried and/or put on a stick.
3. Yes, 17-year-old girls are hotter.

After the Fair I got suckered in to going down to Minneapolis proper to hit up the bar scene. Yes, "suckered," I tell you! One of my friends may think I'm pretty mad at him right now. I'm not. I'm mad at myself; mad at myself for agreeing to something I knew I wouldn't enjoy, and all out of the notion that it's what other people do for fun. I've never been like other people; I've never enjoyed what they enjoy. It's certainly my loss more than my gain. But it's the way I'm wired. I can't pretend I enjoy going to random clubs and dancing with Miscellaneous Girl in the dimming hope we might establish some sort of meaningful connection. I can't pretend D.G. is so utterly replaceable, even though she is. I didn't really enjoy it when I was 21, and I certainly don't enjoy it now that I'm 26. I can't be something I'm not.

Unless That Delightful Billy Crystal Is Involved

2008-08-20T09:57:00.003-05:00

Does anyone else just want to punch Bill Kristol in the face? Something about the poor guy just makes me want to punch him. Right. In the face. I think it's great the NYT has offered an olive branch to opposing views by giving him a column every Monday, but really. Everytime I read it I'm so remarkably unimpressed. This guy got two degrees from Harvard? This guy was the first domino that collapsed the Clinton health care plan? This guy has the supposed vision for the New American Century?

I just don't see it.

I can imagine a young Bill Kristol now: big glasses, buck teeth, hunched forward as he scuttles across campus with a load of books in his arms. Would the pretty girl like to go to the prom with him? No! He'll show her. One day he'll be a powerful figure in American politics. He'll be the shadowy man behind the curtain, pulling all the right strings. He'll be the guy behind the guy behind the guy. Yes, one day he'll show us all.

No, Bill. No matter how hard you try, the pretty girl will never go out with you.

It's like Bill O'Reilly. Someone needs to tell Bill that no matter how loud he rants his father is never going to tell him he's proud of him. Then they should hug him Good Will Hunting-style.

And then make sure he doesn't punch THEM in the face.

Speaking of Al Franken...

2008-08-19T09:21:00.005-05:00

Here are two campaign ads that have been getting a lot of airplay recently:

Al Franken for Senate:

Norm Coleman for Senate:

Notwithstanding the fact that Priscilla Lord Faris (Dickens called: he wants his character back) comes off a little too much like the Shrieking Feminist Lawyer equivalent of a bin Laden video...

I think the contrast between these videos is striking. Is it telling that the jackass comedian apparently has done more for our troops than the guy who's been in the Senate for six years?

You decide!

Or rather, don't.

Al Franken: A Revue

2008-08-18T06:19:00.001-05:00

I recently finished reading Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. It's a book by Al Franken. In my defense, I actually purchased it several years ago, at a significant discount, at Barnes & Noble. I love books. I love reading them. And because I love owning them, the range of my interest is broadened significantly when faced with free and/or significantly discounted books (see, for example, the entry on Cornel West, that fucking cad).

Much like the product of the aforementioned Mr. West, I didn't initially pick up this book expecting to really enjoy it. I don't know that much about Al Franken, other than his comedy career. On the other hand, I know about his comedy career. You see what I'm getting at? * I simply figured that, with Franken on the ballot in November, I should at least make an effort to read the one book by him that I own. If not now, when? It was sort of like reading Bernstein's biography on Hillary Clinton before the Minnesota primary.

* SAM: Look, I really like her, and she’s not what you think.
JOSH: The only thing I know about her is she’s a call girl. Is she a call girl?
SAM: Yes.
JOSH: Then so far she’s exactly what I think.

Unlike the Bernstein biography, however, which only provided a more resourced foundation for many of my negative opinions about Hillary Clinton and thereby permitted them to blossom, Franken's book won me over. Not to say there weren't some things I disagreed with. For example...

Franken on Affirmative Action:

I had a baseball coach pose this question to me: "You have two guys run down to first. They have equal times, but one has much better form. Which one do you choose?"

You choose the one with the bad form. You can coach him to use good form and he'll beat the other guy. [See also: The West Wing, Episode 5.5, "Constituency of One," teaser --Ed.]

In the same way, blind adherence to SAT scores and GPA is ridiculous. Take two kids, one white and one black. The white kid's in private school, has educated parents, opportunities to travel, intensive SAT tutoring. He takes the SATs three times and submits his highest score--1,280. The black kid is brought up by a single mom who didn't graduate from high school. No books in the house, works after school, shares a room with two brothers. No SAT tutoring, takes it once, gets 1,120. You'd take the black kid, right?

No, because in your own hypothetical the white kid still got to first base first.

From the same chapter, Franken on the Confederate flag:

I was talking to a Southerner about this the other day, and he said, "The Nazis were bad. But we drive around in Volkswagens."

I said, "Yeah, but we don't put a Volkswagen on top of the state capitol."

I think you meant to say: Yeah, but we don't put a swastika on the state capitol. I'm actually agree with Franken here, I'm just wishing he had had a more opportune comeback.

But, and this is my larger point, Franken wins me over quite easily in this book because most of it is focused on explaining why the ~~Talking~~ Shrieking Heads of the conservative movement are a bunch of assholes. ~~Yes We Can~~ Yes They Are! This is a book that takes it's time and uses factual support to outline just some of the many ways in which the trickle-down trinity (Coulter, O'Reilly, Hannity - the titular "Lying Liars"), and the Fox News that made them, are so outta-control outrageous. Seriously, they should put a picture of Sean Hannity in the dictionary next to the word "bloviate."

And while in a vacuum I might not think Al Franken is All That, his demonstrated willingness to put to task the same people I dislike makes me like him. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

So here comes the larger point. I don't necessarily disagree with the ultimate merits of everything Sean Hannity says. I completely and utterly disagree with the juvenile manner by which he goes about expressing it. By dismissing and demonizing those who subscribe to the Opposing View, he's redrawn the lines, and somehow I ended up on the same side as someone who I might otherwise be a little more reticent of.

Oh yeah, and Norm Coleman is kind of a jackass. I can take my politicians sarcastic and condescending. I can't stomach them self-righteous.

Don't Blame Me, I Didn't Vote!

2008-08-17T21:13:00.002-05:00

It was such a nice day I went for a walk in my neighborhood today. Here are some fun things I discovered:

1. There's a coin laundromat about twenty blocks from where I live. Can you imagine such a thing? I mean, there's poverty, and then there's poverty!

2. I happened upon a small park located in the middle of a tiny traffic circle. Interestingly, it's called "Circle Park." Hmm. I wonder why.

3. A lot of people in my neighborhood have Al Franken and Obama 08 yard signs. They go nicely with the slightly-worn Kerry/Edwards signs they still have on display. Sometimes I feel like walking up to these people and explaining that, unfortunately, not only are Kerry and/or Edwards not on the ballot, but yes, they were in fact fucking losers four years ago.

Then I remember something my father told me. After the '84 election he bought a bumper sticker that read: Don't Blame Me, I Live in the District.

So I get it. You voted for Kerry. I won't blame you.

It Was Definitely Blonde, But I'm Not Sure What About It Was Legal

2008-08-16T09:18:00.002-05:00

If you're wondering, the answer is: yes, Legally Blonde is even more intolerable after you've actually graduated from law school.

It's the Etymology, Stupid

2008-08-14T22:50:00.001-05:00

Yesterday someone was on my case for not being able to find out, in thirty minutes, how a court deals with a contractual provision that waives a non-waivable right. Only a lawyer would need guidance on this. Is it not etymologically obvious? It's NON-WAIVABLE. YOU CAN'T WAIVE IT. I can't believe there isn't a long trail of litigation where the courts grapple with this complex issue.

From Beijing With Love

2008-08-09T18:28:00.001-05:00

The Olympics bore me. BUT one thing I like about 'em is that it's always easy to choose whom to root for.

Answer: The Russians.

UPDATE: Best part of the Olympics so far? Getting to hear the NBA on NBC theme song.

What, Me Worry?

2008-08-08T09:46:00.001-05:00

Here's what passes for an Op-Ed from CNN that I've been meaning to comment on for a while now. If you're too lazy to click on the link, 'cause that's, like, totally a lot of work, it's titled "Could An Obama Presidency Hurt Black Americans?" What? How could an Obama presidency hurt black Americans? Read on, faithful reader:

Paul Street, author of the forthcoming book "Barack Obama and the Future of American Politics," says Obama risks becoming an Oval Office version of talk-show host Oprah Winfrey. She and former Secretary of State Colin Powell are African-American figures whose popularity allows some white Americans to congratulate themselves for not being racist, he says

"They're cited as proof that racism is no longer a significant barrier to black advancement and interracial equality," Street said...

When Obama became the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee in June, many African-Americans cried because they said they never thought they would live to see such a day. Vendors soon started selling T-shirts of Obama's portrait pasted alongside King in Walgreens stores and at online stores.

Yet there are a few political commentators who warn African-Americans that an Obama victory could be twisted to suppress the push for racial equality. Most of these commentators are African-American, but they also include white, Latino and conservative pundits.

These commentators say that there is a subliminal appeal to Obama's presidential candidacy that has been ignored. Obama doesn't just represent change; he represents atonement for America's ugly racial past for others, they say.

So what's their point? That we SHOULDN'T vote for Obama in November? Of course not! Here's their point: "Hey, White America! Even after you've elevated a black man to the most powerful position in the country, don't think we still don't get to complain about race relations!"

Don't you worry, little guy. We would never take that away from you.

Premise

2008-08-06T21:37:00.004-05:00

Here's a rational question looking for a thoughtful response:

Barack needs to talk to his Communications Director about the concept known as "not accepting the premise of the question." Granted, he rejected one of the premises of that question. But there was another, antecedential (is this a word?) one. Let's review:

1. There are numerous attacks clearly being made on the African community, the black community. PREMISE STATUS = ACCEPTED.

2. Barack Obama has not had the ability, not one time, to speak to the interests, or speak on behalf of the interests of the oppressed and exploited: the black community or the African community. PREMISE STATUS = DENIED.

Average Black Man says: let's pigeonhole Barack Obama as the black candidate! That should win over those swing states!

On the other hand, I like Barack's response: If you don't like my position on black issues, vote for John McCain. Yeah, assuming Florida doesn't disenfranchise black voters. AGAIN.

Indeed.

Baby Don't Be So Mean

2008-08-05T09:12:00.003-05:00

The other day I got a call from a very persnickity attorney. I don't necessarily mind when people are mean or condescending to me, but you've got to earn it. You've got to be that much better than me. Here are some criteria you'll have to meet before I let you talk down to me:

1. If you're going to be condescending, you're going to have to be that much smarter than me. My intelligence will have to clearly pale in comparison to yours. And not to brag, but I've got 26 years worth of test scores that say that's pretty hard to do. Depending on who you ask, there's somewhere between a 1-in-15 and 1-in-50 chance that you're as smart as me. And remember, in order to be mean to me, you'll have to be scoring significantly better than that.

2. You have to be better-looking than me. This is less difficult to do, but remember you've got to do it whilst still clearing the Smarter Than Hurdle. It may be superficial, but I refuse to be talked down to by someone who looks like the Elephant Man. I'll just be thinking to myself, "Maybe I can't figure out how creditors' rights are affected by gerrymandering in a Chapter 11 Bankruptcy, but at least I can figure out how a treadmill works."

3. You've got to be better-schooled/more successful than me. This would involve something like going to Harvard for undergrad, Yale for law school, clerking at the Supreme Court, and then making $160,000 in your first year at White Case. As you can imagine, that's pretty hard to do. What I'm basically looking for is someone who's talent is undeniable as to be immediately self-evident.

Here are some famous assholes I would have let be mean to me:

Frank Lloyd Wright
Miles Davis
Feanor

I'm talking about guys who changed the nature of their profession. Whether it be architecture or crafting the Silmarils, these guys, to quote Wolverine, were "the best at what they did."

4. If you're significantly more experienced than me I'm willing to be flexible on one or two of these criteria. Example: if you've got 40 years experience in the profession I don't necessarily expect you to still be more attractive than me, but you should at least have been a looker back when you were 20.

5. Your girlfriend/wife should also meet these criteria. I won't take crap from someone who's dating Betty Bimbo.

Good night, and good luck.

Ahead of my Time

2008-07-31T21:53:00.002-05:00

Please make a note: I was once again ahead of my time.

I believe "Suck it" is the expression?

The Dork Knight: A Revue

2008-07-29T09:27:00.011-05:00

Over the weekend I saw The Dark Knight. I was pretty disappointed. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it. I'm just saying I was pretty disappointed. In the end I blame myself, for getting sucked into the hype and the power of Ledger's performance in the previews.

Because, really, The Dark Knight was exactly what I should have expected the sequel to Batman Begins to be. Which was also not a very good movie. I'm not saying it was bad. It was certainly better than the three that came before. But that doesn't change the fact that it was still not a very good movie. I feel a little bad for all the people who think it was so great. What terrible thing happened in your past, I wonder, to give you such low expectations of what a movie can be?

Anyway, here are some of the things I disliked about the movie, in no particular order. I've included some delicious spoilers, so if you haven't seen the movie yet I suggest you go see it first so that when you reread this post you'll be in a more informed position from which to agree with me.

He wasn't the hero we deserved; just the hero we needed. Christopher Nolan generally makes some pretty good movies. So why is he so bad at writing dialogue? It's not his fault. But my advice: if you can't write dialogue, don't write a fucking screenplay. That's like someone who's color-blind trying to make it as a Christmas decorator. Rather than hiring your brother to write the thing, next time out-source it to someone with some talent. They do exist.

And now...
Aaron Sorkin presents:
BATMAN!
(Not actually presented by Aaron Sorkin)

Gordon: They call him the Joker.
Batman: The Joker?
Gordon: The Joker.
Batman: Why do they call him the Joker?
Gordon: Presumably because he makes jokes.
Batman: Look--
Gordon: They call him the Joker, Batman, what do you want from me? He makes jokes. He's a joker.
Batman: The Joker.
Gordon: Yeah.
Batman: I thought one of the criteria of jokes was that they were supposed to be funny.
Gordon: That's what they tell me.
Batman: This guy's jokes aren't funny.
Gordon: So?
Batman: If his jokes aren't funny, by definition they're not jokes. That means he's not a joker.
Gordon: Who says they're not funny?
Batman: "Wanna see a magic trick?" What is this, amateur night at the Apollo?
Gordon: I thought it was funny.
Batman: You didn't see me laughing.
Gordon: You don't have a sense of humor.
Batman: Excuse me--
Gordon: You don't have a sense of humor, Batman. Of course you didn't laugh. Groucho Marx couldn't make you laugh. He couldn't make you chuckle.
Batman: Groucho Marx wasn't funny.
Gordon: He wasn't funny, but that's not the point.
Batman: Look--
Gordon: And thanks, by the way, for proving mine.
Batman: Gordon...
Gordon: The Joker, Batman. They call him the Joker.
Batman: Because he makes...
Gordon: Because he makes jokes, yes. The Joker. This one really should be pretty intuitive.

Would the real Bruce Wayne please stand up? They say Christian Bale, when he isn't beating his relatives, plays two characters. But he really plays three: Batman; Bruce Wayne; and the place where the two characters intersect, the heart of the actual character. I've realized I don't like the way he plays Bruce Wayne. Nolan presents him like the third Bush daughter: spoiled and stupid. Pick up a comic: the real Bruce Wayne wasn't that obnoxious.

Batman is Emo. I salute inserting some complexity and social relevancy into a superhero movie. Terrorism, love denied; tell me what you think about these things, Christopher. That being said, The Dark Knight comes off like a brooding teenager, trying to come to terms with something serious but doing it in such an unsophisticated fashion that you're never really sure what it is exactly the movie's so upset about. All I know is: it's dark. It wears black. It wants to cut itself. Why? I just wouldn't understand!

Batman is inept. There's a certain point in the movie where you realize Batman is basically incompetent. The only reason he keeps winning is because the Joker actively won't let him lose. I don't like my heroes that incompetent. I particularly don't like it when the villain escapes from prison two minutes after being captured.

The end is only the beginning. Jack Nicholson said about Return of the King that he left when there was still about twenty minutes left, because the movie was already over. They destroy the Ring. The end. Wait. Aragorn is crowned king. The end. Wait! The hobbits return to the Shire. The end. WAIT! Frodo sails off from the Grey Havens. The end! Wait...

The Dark Knight was the same thing. There were about six points in this movie where I thought to myself, "This is the climax." Batman battles Joker from the Batbike. The end. Wait. The Joker is going to blow up Harvey Dent. The end. Wait! The Joker is going to blow up a hospital. The end. Wait! The Joker is going to blow up a boat. The end! Wait! Two-face is going to kill Gordon's family. Please be the fucking end!

The Death of Jim Gordon. Speaking of Return of the King...Remember that time in The Two Towers were Aragorn tumbles off a cliff into the river below and everyone thinks he's dead? Pretty stupid, right, because there couldn't be a sequel called The Return of the King if the king was already fucking dead? I'm pretty sure Jim Gordon can't die until he's become Commissioner, so don't waste my fucking time trying to convince me otherwise. Who would have thought that masked character who doesn't say a word would be the actual Gordon in disguise? Extreme plot twist!

Here are some other, nitpicky things:

Two-Face: What a waste of a beloved villain.

How many Sophie's Choices can one movie have in it?

The Joker kills his henchmen. He burns the money he makes from his crimes. So why exactly do people keep working for him? That's what's called a "plot inconsistency."

I salute the authors for knowing enough about the law to know how jurisdiction works. But here's a little tidbit you may not know: kidnapping someone only solves the literal, not legal, jurisdictional problem. Did you know: some would consider kidnapping a foreign national from his own soil an act of war!

Fun With Action Figures

2008-07-24T23:00:00.003-05:00

Hey, kids, let's go watch the movie where clown with the M16 open fire on a school bus.

I'm Feeling A Little Duress Myself

2008-07-21T21:32:00.000-05:00

Today I worked with an attorney who didn't know economic duress was a contracts defense. So it's a good thing she's getting paid three times as much as me.

Please Note: I Also Am Not That Into You

2008-07-18T10:08:00.008-05:00

Did You Know: I can't read your blog if you privacy-protect it? It's true!

I used to feel bad for people who would say they didn't believe in marriage. In college aforementioned gay friend told me he didn't care about the gay marriage debate because he didn't plan on getting married, which sort of missed the point of it all, but whatever. It also raises an interesting quandry. Some ask, If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound? Likewise, if there's a social injustice being perpetrated and victim doesn't give a shit, is it really a social injustice?

Anyway, I don't think I said anything at the time, but I definitely remember thinking how sad that was for him. Because, really, if you aren't drawn to the whole "marriage" thing, it probably means you've never (at least at some point) really been in love. It's hard for me to conceptualize True Love without that fundamental yearning. He'd never thought to himself, "This one person, for the rest of my life? Yes fucking PLEASE!" For my gay friend, never having had that (and considering all the people he's slept with, too!)...well, that's the real injustice.

But recently I've started to wonder whether I believe in marriage anymore. Other than D.G., there's nobody in this life I've even come close to wanting to spend five consecutive years with, let alone the vast yet slowly dwindling remainder of my natural life. Forever, after all, can be an awfully long time.

I know the difference between wanting to marry someone and not wanting to marry someone. So this, once again, is the part of the conversation where I say: Sometimes, I'm just not that into you. Doesn't mean I don't care about you, doesn't mean we didn't have some good times. It certainly doesn't mean there's somehow something "wrong" with you. Many months ago I said that Love was like Truth: hard and eternal, an undeniable fact. So, too, with this. If I'm not that into you, it's neither good, nor bad: it's just hard, undeniable Fact.

Good Catholic Boy

2008-07-17T09:51:00.002-05:00

Here's a funny comment I read this morning on YouTube:

first i never said it wasnt funny
and second im catholic u idiot
so really ur the one that sucks ur moms dick

What would Jesus say? Probably not that.

I.P. Alott

2008-07-16T21:28:00.003-05:00

Today someone called me asking to speak to "Harry Weiner." They didn't even do it right, which is sort of sad for them. They just came out and asked, "Can I speak to Harry Weiner?" Here's how the conversation should have gone down, if they'd had their shit together:

Me: This is [Law Revue].
Them: Can I speak to Harry, please?
Me: I'm sorry, Harry?
Them: Mr. Weiner.

Are you asking if I work with a "Harry Weiner?" Hold on a sec. Does anybody know how I can get hold of a "Harry Weiner?" Hey, Doug, what do you know about a "Harry Weiner?"

I'm sorry, I think he's got a meeting with a "Hugh Jazz."

My City Is Better Than Yours

2008-07-15T09:37:00.000-05:00

Here's an interesting article: it says Minneapolis is one of the top five cities in which to accrue wealth. At the rock bottom of the list? New York, New York. It sounded so ~~nice~~ expensive they named it twice.

I sent the article to one of my college friends who currently lives there. I've been waging a half-hearted battle since college to get him to move out here, or at least leave that ridiculous city behind him. He's actually flying out here for my birthday, but while he's here he wants me to take him to a gay club and introduce him to the Minneapolis gay scene. Normally I don't like gay clubs. The couple times I've been in gay clubs I've found the queers to be a little condescending. They somehow think they're inherently more fabulous than us normals, just by being more flamboyant. I don't think so. That's like a guy in a yellow Hummer pulling up beside me and saying, "Dude, my car is so much better than your Audi." If by "better" you mean "more ostentatious and less classy," then yes, on that point I concede the high ground.

HOWEVER, if taking him to a gay club will convince my friend to move here, or at least that there's some semblance of gay life out here on Mars, then I'm willing to suck it up (wait, what?). The problem I have now is, I don't know where any of the gay clubs are. I think I stumbled past one once when I was drunk and disorderly downtown. I actually ran into one of my gay classmates from law school yesterday, but someone I had trouble working into the conversation, "Hey! You're gay! What would be a good club to take my out-of-town friend to?"

Does anyone know a "hot" (I believe that's the appropriate adjective) gay bar in Minneapolis? It's not for me; it's for this guy I know...

I Need A Change

2008-07-11T10:10:00.005-05:00

THIS guy is so fucking money and he doesn't even know it:

I'm starting to get bored at work. I know I've only been doing this for less than a year, but I'm already starting to get bored at work. Is that supposed to happen? When I first started I was anxious, yes, about being a noob, but also felt some exhilaration at the intellectual challenges ahead. Can I do this? Now that thrill is gone, taken from me by the cruel hand of my own experience. I can tell you within five minutes with 90% certainty whether the case law I'm looking for is out there or not. Chances are it'll take me fifteen minutes to find exactly what we're looking for, or two hours to come up with zilch. There's no longer the challenge of the unknown, the thrill of not knowing. Next, please. I need a change.

One of the guys I'm buddies with at work just had his seven-year anniversary in the department. Seven years. Seven years of doing the same thing. I don't think I could do this for seven years. I'm having a hard enough time making it through one.

I've realized jobs are not unlike relationships. At first you're excited, and maybe even a little nervous, about the uncharted possibilities here; but after most of those possibilities have been chartered you realize, "Yeah it was fun, and I definitely learned some stuff I can take with me, but there isn't a whole lot to keep me here."

My dad recently returned from a conference in Germany, where he ran into my old boss. Apparently she told him, "Tell [Law Revue] that if he ever wants it his old job is waiting for him." I told him to tell her to make an offer next time. Or would that just recreate my current problem?

Gravity: Friend or Foe?

2008-07-09T21:22:00.003-05:00

I'll admit it: if you use the elevator, I judge you. If you use it to go up one freakin' level, I most definitely judge you. I judge you if you're fat, because this, right here, is probably why; your inability to rise to the Herculean challenge society has placed before you; to walk up one single fucking flight of stairs. OMG, what is this, a triathlon? No; it's twenty footsteps five inches high. For myself, I can do it. It doesn't make me better than you. It just makes me look better than you.

I mostly judge you, though, because you're inconveniencing me, and that's annoying. On the way to the top I really have to stop on the 4th floor so you can get on, and stop again at the 5th so you can get off? I would never do something like that to you. Mostly because I work on the top floor, and you're not important enough.

Things I hate more: people who get on the elevator to go DOWN one level.

I Love You, Cupcake

2008-07-08T09:20:00.010-05:00

Today is one of my co-worker's birthday, so we're having cupcakes. I love cupcakes. If desserts were people, then regular cake would be an easy-going fat guy, the lovable life of the party, and cupcake would be his adorable kid sister: 5'3", with a blond ponytail and a perky name like Stacie (with an ie!). She'd mean well, but she'd probably break your heart when she wasn't paying attention. Keep your eye out for her more intellectual but equally pint-sized sister, Muffin.

I think one of the things I love so much about cupcakes is the name. Cup. Cake. It sounds like someone took a regular cake and used some futuristic laser ray to shrink it down to a size you could stick in your pocket and take with you. Or maybe like someone jammed a cake into a blender and fashioned from its goodness a delicious smoothie. Either way, I'm eating it.

One of my co-workers just said she loves to make cupcakes but doesn't like eating them. I should marry that girl.

Frosting is white;
Sprinkles are blue.
Cupcakes are good
But not good for you.

The song is so wholesome I can't fucking stand it.

And Now: SHE'S Just Not That Into You

2008-07-07T21:48:00.002-05:00

This guy is so fucking money, and he doesn't even know it!

Commie Hippie Establishment

2008-07-01T09:36:00.002-05:00

Because I don't ride a motorcycle or drive a souped-up truck, it's hard for people to know just how tiny my penis is. Luckily for all of you, my mother is doing her part. Years ago she bought me a re-usable Whole Foods grocery bag that I'm supposed to take with me to the store, so I can save a paper bag. I like it. It's my way of saying to the world, "Hey, world! Look at me! I care THIS MUCH about the environment! Can you just imagine how tiny my penis must be?"

When I was at Whole Foods over the weekend the guy ringing me up said, "Your total comes to [$xx.xx]. Oh, cool, you have your own bag. Then your total comes to [less than $xx.xx]." Hold on a second. You were gonna charge me for a paper bag? Did you know: At most stores you get the bags for free. You can even get those plastic ones that are perfect for choking other people's children. What kind of commie hippie establishment is that place?

I'll Space Your Chimp

2008-06-29T13:10:00.005-05:00

Just came back from the movies. Here are some fun things I learned:

1. Fox is releasing a movie called Space Chimps. Sounds like a joke from The Simpsons. Be sure to look for the sequel: Space Chimps 2: Space Pimps.

2. In addition to doing television and talk radio, Glenn Beck apparently also does a comedy show. Isn't his television show already a comedy? Lord knows I laugh at with it.

3. Hulk is in fact mad, and Hulk truly does smash.

It's a beautiful day out, and I'm off to snap some photos. I don't often wish I was seriously dating someone, but these are the kind of days that try men's ~~libidos~~ souls. It'd be nice to share this day with somebody who meant something to me. It'd be nice to come home and say, "Hey, Pixley [my imaginary girlfriend is named Pixley; all cute girl names should end in y]: It's a beautiful day outside. Let's get your ass out of bed to experience it." I'd say it just like that, too. Why? Because I'm a romantic, see?

Unite For Change We Can Believe In

2008-06-28T00:21:00.003-05:00

I just found out that one of the Obama Unite For Change House Parties is going to be held on my block tomorrow. I love Barack Obama. I don't really subscribe to his whole message of Change, but I still love him. I like the notion of change. I just don't think he can pull it off. Max Weber said that politics is the "slow boring of hard boards and that anyone who seeks to do it must risk his own soul." Change comes in excruciating increments for those who strive for it. It's bigger than any one man. Barack Obama may be one excruciating increment of change for man, yet still one giant leap of change for mankind.

One of the girls who sat at my table at the wedding is actually working in Media Relations for the Obama campaign's Chicago office. For one singular (and ~~probably~~ definitely drunken) moment I thought it might be fate, that my chance to give myself to something greater had at last come before me. When my parents were in town they chastised me for not contributing more to the Obama campaign. My mother was talking about how she was thinking about volunteering for Obama. She's become a real Obama-phile - she's got me reading Dreams From My Father right now; she was a little late to the party, but now that she's here she's really given herself up to it. And she's been thinking about volunteering. But she was saying how if she volunteered, she would want to have a position of substance in the campaign. She's educated, she's got managerial experience. She doesn't want to just go door-to-door. She wants to be PART of it all.

So my parents were on my case to volunteer as well. But I said the same thing. I'm educated. I'm smart. I'm a fucking lawyer. And I can compose a mean sentence when I've a mind (though this blog is rarely an indicator of that). If I was going to be part of the Obama campaign, it would have to be something substantive. For the first time in my life Obama has made me willing to dedicate my energy and myself to the service of the country that hath giveth (when it isn't taking away); even the fantasy of the opportunity fills me with optimism and excitement.

So at the wedding I was sitting at a table with someone who actually WAS contributing something substantive. And I thought, "Here is my chance. God has laid my fate before me. Rise up, young man, and take it." But then the blond girl to my right asked me if I had just said she was cute. Which would you choose?

We Have Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself, And Spiders, And Werewolves...

2008-06-27T08:38:00.003-05:00

At the wedding I found out one of my friends went skydiving recently. Skydiving? As they say in fencing, what's the point? I'm already on the ground. Why would I take an airplane just to get back to it? I'll save myself the trip.

My friend said it was about "conquering his fear." Hmm. What exactly are you so afraid of that you feel the need to go to ridiculous lengths to conquer it? Regardless, I think people who talk about "conquering their fear" have a poor understanding of fear. Fear is like pain: it may be no fun when you have it, but it's your body's way of telling you: "Watch out -- bad shit ahead!"

You want to conquer your fear, I suggest you try it without a safety net.

And Again

2008-06-24T21:59:00.001-05:00

Say it with me: He's. Just. Not. That. Into. Me.

Doesn't that feel better?

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Wedding

2008-06-24T19:20:00.004-05:00

This weekend I went to a wedding in Princeton. It's a cute little college town. The wedding was actually at Princeton's seminary. Here's an interesting quandary: can you ask for directions at the Center for Theological Inquiry? Maybe spiritual directions.

Something funny happened once I got to the wedding. My college roommate and I pulled up outside the chapel, and just as we got there a huge limb fell off a tree and crashed to the ground. Of its own accord. For no reason. It was clearly an Omen, but what it signified is TBD.

I know what you really want to hear about, though. You want to hear about the girls. I'll be honest, I went to this thing completely expecting to be unimpressed. I learned that maybe I'm too judgmental. As luck would have it, I was actually placed next to what was in my opinion the cutest girl (after the bride, naturally) there.

One couldn't ask for a more blatant opening, either. At the table were two married couples, an engaged couple, me, my college roommate, and two girls. We were all divided up and coupled off like Noah's Ark. At first I thought I was going to be annoyed - sort of like showing up at your friend's house for a party only to discover it's three couples, one single girl, and you (Hmm...who's team will YOU be on for charades?) - and maybe it was just the 12-hour buzz of free booze I'd been rockin' up to this point. But I actually had a pretty good time. Three minutes in I'd already received a hand on the forearm, so I knew I was pretty set.

Mimosas match my outfit!

That Bird Can Hit A Mean Birdie

2008-06-22T22:03:00.001-05:00

The U.S. Women's Open is in Minnesota this week. Women's golf. That's like tax law: taking something lame and making it ever lamer.

I am in a Team

2008-06-19T19:20:00.006-05:00

Why do people say there's no "I" in team? There's no "we" in team, either. Or "us," or "our." There is, however, a delicious "me," lurking beneath the surface. Can you see it? Move closer.

Here are some words that ARE in team:
me
tame
mate
mat
eat
meat
ate
at
met

Word Fun: How many "teams" are in this sentence?

I tamely ate some meat on a mat with the mates that met me at the eatery.

Clue: the "I" isn't one of them.

Socks and Common Sense Optional

2008-06-18T19:14:00.002-05:00

I feel oddly pissed I'm not allowed to wear shorts or sandals at work. I knew that was going to be the deal going in, but... Get with it, guys! It's the 90s! And it's in the 90s!

It has always struck me as a fundamentally preposterous notion that in the middle of the global warming crisis, and now a gas crisis, American companies still expect their male workers to get dolled up for work. I could understand if I spent my day talking to clients. We have in the department what I like to refer to as "Dress-Up Day," which is the day we're all expected to get Dressed and Pressed when clients are coming to the office.

But most of my day is spent doing research at my desk and talking on the phone. Do I really need to wear slacks and a button-down for that? Have we not yet as a society mustered the common sense to abandon such superficial notions of professionalism? You can't judge what you can't see.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend where I'm expected to wear a blazer. Granted, it's a New England wedding. That means socks will be optional. Ralph Lauren ad, I who am about to sweat salute you!

Viral Marketing

2008-06-14T12:13:00.002-05:00

Abercrombie: Come For The Clothes, Stay For The Salesgirls?

OR

Abercrombie: Come For The Salesgirls, Stay For The Clothes?

You decide!

Seriously, though, they're pretty cute.

Still Not That Into You

2008-06-11T08:31:00.003-05:00

Continuing our conversation from a couple weeks ago...Last night after watching the Celtics fuck up I caught a little of Justin Timberlake on Leno. At one point Leno let the audience "submit" relationship questions to the lovable JT. Here's one:

Dear Justin. I've been dating my boyfriend for two years. Is there anything I can do to get him to propose? Jessica.

Dear Jessica. Thanks for your inquiry. I think you asked the wrong question. I think you meant to ask, even if there was, why would you want to?

This reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw in the parking lot yesterday, which sort of encapsulized one of the many logical fallacies of the Pro-Life Movement. It went a little something like this: If You Can't Trust Me With A Choice, How Can You Trust Me With A Child?

Answer: I can't. I've always thought it was curious social policy that pro-lifers think we should stick children with parents who would otherwise elect to murder them.

Back to our issue: Why would you want to marry someone whom you had to manipulate to marry? Maybe he's afraid of commitment. Or feels like he's too young to get married. Or maybe, he's just not that into you. If he hasn't asked you to be with him for the rest of his life, it's probably because he doesn't want you to be with him for the rest of his life. It's not that complicated.

I Think I'm Jealous Of Your Girlfriend

2008-06-10T19:18:00.003-05:00

My parents were in town over the weekend. On Saturday my father and I probably the closest thing to "The Talk" we've ever had. It went something like this:

1. I'm single.
2. I have female friends.
3. I should probably be banging some of them.

Perhaps unfairly, this annoyed me. Superficial dating columns notwithstanding, sexual attraction and personal compatibility do not a couple make. More importantly, I felt it was something of an archaic examination of the male-female relationship. Consider:

1. I'm single.
2. I have male friends.
3. Should I be banging some of them, too? (Who said I'm not?)

My female friends are important to me. I can be more open with them, and, because I don't rely on them for sex, I don't have to be as tolerant of their feminist bullshit.

My dad's concern is that I'm nearing the point where "most of the good ones will be taken." Hey, I'm looking around, and it looks like a lot of the mediocre ones have already been taken, too. But of all the things I'll ever do, this is the one I want to get right. I'd rather make no decision than the wrong one.

Cancel or Allow? Definitely Cancel.

2008-06-09T22:12:00.003-05:00

Does anyone else think these ads are getting a little overplayed? (Editor's note: I could have found a more recent one, but that would have required work).

A friend of mine - and by friend of mine, I mean a comment I read on YouTube - pointed out that Vista is the most Mac-like OS known to Microsoft. At the same time, Mac ads won't shut up about how you can run Windows on them.

Let's summarize Mac's argument:

1. Don't buy a PC; it's too much like a Mac.
2. Buy a Mac; it's just like a PC.

Discuss.

If Sex is a Weapon...

2008-06-08T11:23:00.003-05:00

Here's an interesting article I read this morning:

HILLARY CLINTON REVEALS A DIFFERENT SIDE IN SPEECH
Analysis: Clinton loosens up — finally

WASHINGTON - This one's for the girls.

That was Hillary Rodham Clinton's message Saturday as she ended her presidential bid — a final, full-throated acknowledgment of what her pioneering quest had meant to women.

It was a moving, genuine and unexpected moment for Clinton, who spent most of her campaign playing down her gender as a way to reassure voters who might have trouble imagining a female commander in chief...

You can stop right there. A different side? Playing down her gender? If you don't think Hillary Clinton was exploiting her gender as a political tool every chance she got...Congratulations, you officially weren't paying attention. See below:

For months, Hillary has been trying to emasculate Obama with the sort of words and themes she has chosen, stirring up feminist anger by promoting the idea that the men were unfairly taking it away from the women, and covering up her own campaign mistakes with cries of sexism.

--Maureen Dowd, "Feminist"

Love is a Hasty Word

2008-06-06T08:58:00.005-05:00

Welcome to an installment of Nerd Talk! Hope you en-joy!

Here's one of my favorite quotes The Two Towers:

'Let us leave this--did you say what you call it?'

'Hill?' suggested Pippin. 'Shelf? Step?' suggested Merry.

Treebeard repeated the words thoughtfully. 'Hill. Yes, that was it. But it is a hasty word for a thing that has stood here ever since this part of the world was shaped. Never mind. Let us leave it, and go.'

I think something similar could be said about Love. Four letters? That's all we can muster? All we can muster for a thing that transcends and defies reason or convention, or contention; that both burrows deep and loftily soars; that weakens the strongest's will or may make the meek go brave; like an oasis and final drink for a man who has wandered in the desert, reunited at last with the thing he's been long denied. Love? It is a hasty word.

I Thought There Were 12 Guys on a Team

2008-06-05T20:56:00.000-05:00

Meet the new NBA Finals Slogan: There Can ~~Be Only~~ Only Be One.

Fun fact: It's not copyright infringement if you move two words.

I Could Have Lived Your Life Instead

2008-06-04T19:02:00.004-05:00

Hell[o] [t]here.

Here are some interesting things that have happened in my life the past few days. What's new with you?

1. The earlier I get to work, the more crowded the parking lot is. WTF?

2. Today when I took a lunch break there was a guy asleep in a booth in the cafeteria. I want that guy's job.

3. The other day when I was driving home there was a homeless guy standing on the street corner.* Do they even allow homeless people in Ramsey Hill? I thought I was paying enough money that I didn't have to deal with them anymore. To quote The Honorable Judge Whitey: The only poor people I want to hear about are the ones who clean my pores at the spa.

The car in front of me pulled over to ask the dude for directions. Then he didn't even give him any money! That's just not right.

* I saw him shakin' his change in a coffee cup,
Asked for a dollar but I told him the man to give it up.
Said he's hungry; I don't think it's true.
Bet my dollar he'll go spend it on booze [boobs?].

The End of Patriotism as a Bludgeon

2008-06-03T22:15:00.007-05:00

Just came from the Obama rally in St Paul. Here are some interesting things I learned about him that I didn't know before:

1. Barack Obama wants you to go hungry (no food allowed).
2. Barack Obama wants you to go thirsty (no drinks allowed).
3. Barack Obama wants you to get rained on (no umbrellas allowed).
4. Barack Obama hates punctuality.
5. Judging by how the floor seating was arranged, Barack Obama hates feng shui, and probably Asians, too.

If this is how he is gonna run his White House, I'm voting for the cranky white guy with the bad ideas.

But seriously; in some ways I was in utter awe of the event; in other ways I was a little disappointed (See related problems in: Exceeds Expectations). "The time has come for change. We owe it to our children. We owe it to our country." Surely "we owe it to ourselves," too? What! No rhythm? No cadence? Shame on you, Jon Favreau.

The woman who introduced him was maybe the biggest disappointment. She gave such an ordinary speech, in what could have been such an extraordinary moment. George Bush is a douche. John McCain is a douche. I get it. Where were the politics of unity? Where was the line that nothing could divide a country so long as it believes in itself? You don't get a second chance to introduce Barack Obama.

The Enforcer

2008-06-02T19:02:00.005-05:00

Today I was asked to find a case that stood for the proposition that one could enforce a judgment that had been reversed for being void on its face. Really? Enforce the fucker? This is not one of the more complicated legal issues. This is not remainders and fee simple determinable. The terminology here should be pretty apparent. It's VOID.

Needles to say, I couldn't find one. But I did find several stating the exact opposite! Does that help?

KG Love

2008-05-31T08:35:00.003-05:00

This post is not about the Pistons. The who? I'm unfamiliar with a basketball team by that name. What a bunch of fucking disappointments. I didn't even watch the game because of the warning in my heart. And while it's nice to see my prediction proven true, it's saddening to have my cynicism double as clairvoyance.

But I am happy for KG. The Minnesotan in me feels gladness for, rather than betrayal by, Kevin Garnett. He put the T-wolves on the map and stayed with a sinking ship for a decade. But like all players he was driven in the end by his lust for The Ring.* You can't fault him that. After years of disappointment you can only stay faithful to someone for so long before you turn to someone better.

* 'Go back!' he whispered.

'The Ring! The Ring!' they cried with deadly voices; and immediately their leader urged his horse forward into the water, followed closely by two others.

'By Elbereth and Luthien the Fair,' said Frodo with a last effort, lifting up his sword, 'you shall have neither the Ring nor me!'

Oh Sister...

2008-05-30T06:51:00.002-05:00

This morning I received an email from my sister:

In casual convo this past weekend I found out that my gf Emily has a sister in your area. Check out [redacted]'s profile! She is just finishing her residency (kind of impressive)...

There are so many things I could write about this. But I think it speaks for itself.

In case you're wondering, like a power forward boxing out beneath the boards, [redacted]'s privacy settings prevent me from viewing her profile. Kind of impressive.

Eye of the Beholder, Eye of the Storm

2008-05-29T19:27:00.003-05:00

I love the Midwest horizon just before a storm. The contrast between cloud and sky, the gray lines where light and shadow converge. There's something beautiful in how terrifying it is. Like the Balrog of Moria. Or Ashlee Simpson. Whoops. I meant to say there's something beautiful in how TERRIBLE she is.

How To Make An IKEA Bookshelf

2008-05-26T20:19:00.005-05:00

1. Own more books than you know what to do with.
2. Peruse website for suitable item with weird name.
3. Travel to local IKEA.
4. Transport in tiny car by yourself since your "friend" never replied to your message. Wonder if he would have been more likely to reply if you had boobs.
5. Assemble as directed. Swearing at poor structural design is encouraged.
6. Attempt to make level until you realize it is the ceiling line that is uneven.
7. Repeat as necessary.
8. Enjoy.

Just Not That Into You

2008-05-26T14:54:00.001-05:00

This morning I read an interesting article on Yahoo. Five Reasons He Hasn't Proposed. Here's a reason: he's just not that into you, girl.

The Double-Edged Sword

2008-05-25T14:52:00.004-05:00

George Costanza once said he only believed in God for the bad things. Jed Bartlet called God "vindictive" and a "feckless thug." I'm not sure I entirely agree with their sentiments, but I do agree that God seems to suffer from an occasional mean streak.

People usually blame God for the obvious things. Plagues. Natural disasters. But I like to think God works with a little more nuance; that he's just as likely to use a scalpel as a cudgel. I like to think God prefers a little creativity when it comes to ways to punish us, like Stephen King or the guys who keep making those Saw movies.

Example: Acne. I think acne is a punishment from God. Not a big punishment. But as someone who grew up with acne, I can tell you that it does feel like you're being penalized for something when everyone else is walking around with faces so squeaky-clean while yours looks like the pimply equivalent of a cum shot. Oh Lord, why have You forsaken me?

The other day I woke up wondering if maybe my attachment to Dream Girl wasn't some sort of inventive punishment from God. If it is, it's very creative. He took something that should have been positive in my life and turned it against me; something that should have made me whole instead wears away at my insides. It's a double-edged sword. I can appreciate the creativity, even if the sadism is a bit much.

The Mysterious Elevator Woman

2008-05-21T19:07:00.002-05:00

I work on the top floor of my building, because I'm just that important. Today when I was leaving for work there was a woman already on the elevator when I got on.

She didn't get off [insert "I got her off" joke here].

She went down with me [insert "She went down on me" joke here].

I repeat: I work on the top floor. Where did she come from? What was she doing there? Where did she get her hair done? These are the questions.

My Solution Is To Walk

2008-05-18T18:07:00.014-05:00

Two things of import happened this weekend. First, I celebrated one full year out of law school, which is sort of like celebrating one year being sober, except law school isn't nearly as fun as alcohol. I think in reality LAST WEEKEND was my one-year anniversary since I graduated the Saturday before Mothers' Day; but yesterday was the Class of 2008's Big Day, so I'm counting it as my anniversary. More on this later.

The other thing was, I went to the Aids Walk (unlike certain parties, who slept in past 11. Good job). It was a beautiful day for it. Last year's was dark and cold and miserable; the day came gray like smoke and left in pretty much the same fashion. But this year it was sunny and warm. The experience left me with a warm fuzzy feeling inside that I usually find so distasteful when experienced by other people.

A couple years ago I questioned the mentality behind the Aids walk. Your solution is to walk? And I still stand by some of my earlier criticisms. When I told my mother I had sponsored someone she asked, "So, what does that mean? Like she has to finish within a certain time?" No, she could not show up for all I know. If there was a competitive aspect maybe I'd have given more, because that's just how I roll.

BUT there was something touching about being at the event. Some people wore t-shirts that bore testaments to those who had fallen - "In memory of John, 1978-2003" - and it's hard not to be moved when faced by the human element of the statistics. And even though I spent most of the time circling the tents like an outlier I did find something about the event to be wonderful in all its bleeding-hearted simplicity. Even when the prancing fitness guru whose job was apparently to get everyone pumped for the walk started preaching "Isn't this a wonderful day to be alive? This is the best day of your life! Every moment is a blessing!" I permitted myself to overlook some of the various logical fallacies (and they were myriad) in his statements and accepted his good vibes into my heart.

My point is this: This is life after law school. No more anger (except when I'm driving). No more sadness (except over She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named). Yes, it was a wonderful day to be alive.

Work Is Never Gayer

2008-05-16T06:14:00.002-05:00

I love this video:

I can't get enough of it. I think it's even better than the original. The only thing is, it's really gay. I mean, really gay. "So what? What's wrong with that?" I didn't say there was anything wrong with that. I'm just pointing out that a duck's a duck, even when it's wearing "cute shoes." You're the one who assumed there was something wrong with it being gay. Who's the REAL homophobe, hmmm?

I think I most enjoy the comments section. Here we get an insight into masked insecurities and repressed desires. The dancers in the video claim, "I'll probably disappoint some of you but we're not gay... sorry guys :D [:D = very straight] In this video you can only see two brothers have fun." Totally. Me and my friends much prefer to strip down to the tiny, tight-fitting underwear we of course own and write on each other's hard, muscled, hairless bodies before we film ourselves performing choreography to a Daft Punk song. I can think of nothing straighter. Beer? Nah! Chicks? Who needs 'em? Sometimes we blow each other, but it's totally not gay. It's only two bros ~~experiencing~~ ~~savoring~~ reveling in each other's glorious, unbridled masculinity.

If this video isn't gay, it's definitely had a gay experience.

The Canada of Parking Lots

2008-05-15T22:04:00.004-05:00

If you don't work at my company, you probably won't care about this. But parking at my office is ridiculous. There aren't even close to enough parking spots. Everyday I feel like I'm the victim of a cruel jest. I imagine my bosses watching from the top floor, smoking cigars and laughing as I go in circles around the parking lot, "The fool! He wants to come to work but he can't find anyplace to park!"

My company's solution to the parking (or lack thereof) problem has been to pave ever more satellite parking lots around the main campus, with shuttles constantly running back and forth (for which the environment thanks them). Nowadays I have to park in what I have dubbed the "Canada lot," since it's so far north I feel like I should have my passport with me.

When I first started working I asked why we didn't just build a parking garage. Apparently there's some tax issue that wouldn't make it economically feasible. We can afford to acquire one of the largest news organizations in the world and in the middle of a recession our Q1 profits are up 12% from last year (apparently one of the secrets is to not pay your lawyers very much). But we can't afford a fucking parking garage.

Amphrodisiacs

2008-05-11T17:12:00.004-05:00

Today I invented a new word. Amphrodisiac. Amplify + Aphrodisiac. I think it's when your love-life needs something to kick it up a notch. Or maybe I got the etymology wrong and it's an aphrodisiac for amphibians. Either way, I encourage you to use it in your everyday conversation. Ten points if you use it in a meeting. It's sure to synergize.

UPDATE: Here are some more I came up with in my spare time:

Afro-disiac
Ape-rodisiac
Aph-bro-disiac
Aphro-sneeze-iac

Everybody Gets Laidlaw

2008-05-08T07:46:00.004-05:00

At work we have a product called Laidlaw. I'm not sure what it does, but everytime someone mentions it the only conclusion I can surmise is that it is Law that gets you Laid. Somehow, someway, against all odds, some genius has come up with a way to utilize the law in such a fashion that culminates in coetus. It may be something as complex as the overarching framework for determining what the definition of "is" is or something as simple as a loophole in the consent statutes. But whatever it is. It. Gets. You. Laid. If only they'd had it when Bill Clinton went to law school.

UPDATE: I seriously just learned that Laidlaw has nothing to do with the law. Wow.

My Pickle is Fickle

2008-05-07T19:33:00.002-05:00

One annoying thing about being a single guy is that you end up considering pretty much every girl you meet a potential prospect for your One True Love. It's sort of ridiculous. And more than a little fickle. Everytime I go to the cafeteria I'm gauging my female co-workers on the way.

I think what makes it so bad is the criteria you resort to. I'm just gonna come out and say it: I like a pretty face. "Oh, she has aesthetically pleasing features, can I imagine the rest of my life with her?" I don't like it. I don't like keeping an open mind. I like the comfort and security that dead certainy brings.

I'm particuarly suspect of attractive women who are still single at 25. I can come up with two, and only two, reasonable explanations for such a phenomenon:

1. She just got out of a long, meaingful relationship and is still heart-broken.

2. She is psycho.